Levels of pleasure

The first time I tried a Doxy wand I was blown away. I remembered those kink.com films in which people would lose their mind over a vibrator and I thought it must have been because of the intensity of the BDSM session in itself and because of that only. Well, I was partly wrong.

I was in Berlin and it was the first time with my current partner and I found myself worried because I struggled to orgasm. I had no issues on my own but it would take me a while with a new partner, and most of the time it just didn’t happen altogether. He was going down on me and I was turning into a bunch of nerves, my thoughts drifting away, dissociating. He must have sensed it and he took it easy, said he wanted me to try something and took out his Doxy Die Cast. It looked intimidating, my eyes went wide but I was back into my own body and I decided to give it a try.

I am not saying Doxy is now the solution to all my problems related to sexual pleasure... But it is.

He pressed the wand’s silicone head against my clit, softly, and turned the vibrator on. I don’t remember which level of intensity he started from but I had no idea I could feel like that in my own body. It was simply too much and yet... I didn’t want it to stop. I could feel myself alive and present, very grounded but without all the worries in my head, nothing mattered, only me and the release of endorphins and serotonin in huge quantities I thought were not possible naturally.
I sometimes forgot to breathe to the point he had to remind me; he told me there were nine levels of vibration and we were on level four and I thought “holy fuck”. And because the Die Cast model is made of aluminium and titanium, it’s heavy, it has a natural rumble to it when you apply more pressure, so it’s just a blessing for someone like me, because I like it hard but I become too sensitive very quickly; you can play between all those levels of vibration and how much pressure you apply and find the perfect balance, you have options, you can personalise your experience, and you deserve it.
Later on he started to use his fingers too, holding the wand’s head in his hand and pressing it against my clit, his fingers inside me passing some of that vibration to other internal spots. It was too much for the first time. Everything was just so wonderfully too much! It was an interesting experience, observing myself getting used to more, more of pleasure, more of everything, more of myself and the levels I could climb were simply infinite. Our bodies can take in everything.

I can take level nine now and I will also press the wand against my body to feel it vibrate in my bones and as someone who made of their sluthood a job, I am just grateful to myself for prioritising pleasure and for the fact that my pleasure is taken seriously by the people I sleep with, by the industry I work in, and by companies like Doxy.
I came back to London still smiling, and my vagina would flare up anytime I would remember how I felt with the Doxy against my clitoris. It was a relief to know that I could orgasm anytime I wanted, with anyone I wanted, as much as I wanted. A granted orgasm. A strong, overwhelming, mind blowing guaranteed orgasm that would remind me that I deserved pleasure at all times.
With this new awareness in my mind, I opened the drawer next to my bed and took out all my sex toys and tried each one of them and realised that the only orgasm I could get was not making me justice; if I wanted more than one, the toys I had were simply not enough and two of them died on me because they are rechargeable and the batteries couldn’t keep up with my libido. I felt disappointed and frustrated and I made this.

Laughter is a good way to process negative emotions and sitting around crying was not going to get me anywhere anyway. I reached out for support and understanding from my community but got so much more. Doxy got in touch with me and I now have my own wand, it’s a classic black vibrator and I leave it plugged in next to my bed, so it’s always ready and it never fails me and I can cum as much as I want and no one can stop me (well, perhaps an electricity blackout). The classic wand is less intense than the Die Cast, it is not as rumbly but its lightness makes it easier to use during penetration so that your partner can apply more pressure with their body against yours with the Doxy between the two of you. You can also use it on a penis, that’s so, so, so much fun! But that’s a story for another time.

This is my story. What’s yours?

Victoria+Jean

I worked for Victoria+Jean years ago, it was my first booking as a model from abroad and I couldn’t believe I was worth it. But I was and they effortlessly showed me that if I was there it was for a reason and it was simply because I existed.
I still remember one evening at their studio, Victoria banging on those drums just because why not, me observing her behind the glass; Jean was sat on the floor, playing guitar, showing me a cool drop D riff. I was sat on the sofa, feeling guilty for forgetting my chocolate there but still not killing their dog that ate the entire bar!
I then burst into tears and Jean put down the guitar and comforted me, Victoria came to us and sat on the floor next to Jean. They told me amazing words of worth, love, understanding, of support... and for me it was just enough to see their union in trying to pick up a broken human being and put them back together.

The shoot of the music video for “Holly” happened in two days and it was fucking devastating for everyone. Very long hours, 5am travelling from Brussels to this mansion in the middle of nowhere, a cold place filled with beautiful death and dust; everyone spoke French and I just sat around with myself when I was not required on set. I observed people to the point I forgot who I was. And that was ok because all that mattered was Holly, Holly who didn’t want to realise, to turn the page, to grow up. It was nice to be Holly for a couple of days. It was nice to be someone else but... I was probably more Holly than Holly could have ever been.

Victoria and Jean walked the place like they owned it; they walked any place like they owned it and they simply didn’t give a fuck because they had each other, in good and bad. Any time they would be around, the room would light up and people would smile or just stare at them like idiots. They had a strong sexual energy that they just channelled into everything, freely, passionately, unapologetically. I would look at them and think that if I ever were to commit to a relationship, it had to be like that or it was not worth it. They looked like they were best friends, and then came the rest, and then came the music, physical attraction, and then came the rest of the world.

I remember them showing me their promo pictures of them laying in a bath filled with milky water. Victoria told me about Jean having an erection that day, because they had to be naked in the tub and when the shoot was over he had to sit in the water a little bit longer. Jean didn’t flinch, he was not embarrassed, he just told me “she was just... so beautiful, you know”. I loved that openness, and I loved how he talked about her whether she was around or not, I loved seeing them prioritising each other over everything, over everyone, over the entire Universe. You can feel it in their music, and that’s why when I start to listen to a song I just let it roll on repeat and each time I have a different dream, a different feeling, and a different memory of the two of them pops to my mind. And each song they write is so different from the previous one, they have so much to say and in so many ways.

Victoria and Jean have no idea of what they’ve done to me by just being themselves, and their music is still my go to when I am lost and lonely, or horny and confident, or happy and full of energy. When I forget who I am, I press play, close my eyes and breathe and listen to the words and every little detail I know they obsessed over like it was the last thing they were doing in their life, and I find my strength. And for that I am grateful.

Now, everyone go listen, and be free, and sexual, and remember you are not alone.

This is me, barely dressed, as usual, with my personal Jesus and silent friends. Holly.

The flatmate

She comes back from her shift at the bakery, makes her way through the living room, opens the doors to the bedroom and I am standing there, speechless. Everything I know disappears and who I am fills up the room, I matter. She stands at the entrance and looks at me in a very specific way, like she’s been searching for me for a long time. She’s breathing slowly but intensely and she makes her way towards me.

“How did it go?” I ask.

“Oh, it was alright but I was upset” she says.

“Why were you upset?”

“Because I was there instead of being here with you” her voice trembles on the tail of the sentence. I kiss her. We undress and I have this clear image of our panties on the floor, dead, useless, never to be put back on again; at least, that’s how it feels like.

Her body is tense, her legs are spread open, her skin is smooth and elastic, dry and perfect; she’s touching herself, and she’s moaning, eyes closed, muscles tight around my fingers. Her voice gets louder, I am lost in the moment, I can’t stop watching her, she’s perfect.

At the moment of climax her voice is filling the room and I hear someone else shouting something behind the doors we left ajar. I feel like I’m hallucinating.

“Everything alright in there?” the stranger voice asks and a face shows at the door. It’s A’s flatmate and I have a big question mark in my brain as I am automatically covering mine and A’s bodies with a sheet: WHAT THE FUCK?

“Oh my god I am so sorry so sorry so so so sorry” the flatmate is screaming as she’s running away, “My cousin suffers from epilepsy and it sounded like someone was having an attack! I am so sorry!!!”

Now, that’s a strange thing to say to someone who just had an orgasm and you were not invited.

A and I look at each other and burst into laughter.

That evening we are in the kitchen, making dinner. The flatmate walks in, we all look at each other in silence, embarrassed.

“I am so sorry for today! I would never walk onto someone having sex... unless I’m invited”.

Me and A exchange a quick glance, I am really struggling to stay serious now.

“As I said, I just know someone who sounds exactly like that before an epileptic attack and I was worried!”

I can’t fucking believe this but then I remember I am in Berlin.

We should have fucked the flatmate too.

Where do I go?

There is so much whiteness in the air and for the first time in years I feel calmness in London. I am not home, in fact I don’t have a home, I am still staying at D’s and most of my things are at N’s... a place I could never call home anyway.
This morning I’m at S’s and we have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks or three and it’s not going for anything more than this, friendly sex and chats, comfort, clarity in our own emotions. I was starving for sex because I spent my entire year in a monogamous relationship with someone either on an asexual spectrum or too troubled to face their sexuality to begin with and it was not my job to fix them if there was anything to fix but what I know is that we failed at communicating, and many other things; I completely erased my sexuality and I survived because I kept shooting nude self-portraits and I could never understand why I felt so aroused afterwards, it felt a little bit like fucking myself without ever cumming, for a year. Not the good kind of edging.

A month before, I am in Berlin, as usual, when things are great I go to Berlin, when things are shit I go to Berlin, when I feel lost or lonely or empty or emotional, when my whole body is buzzing and I have too much energy, when I am running low or when I just simply don’t know where else to go, I go to Berlin. And it never disappoints me. Berlin feels like a good friend that you are also sexually attracted too, you meet every few months and fuck and then eat food together and laugh but if you want to cry it’s also ok.
So I go for a few days, nothing left of me, my cunt numb and my horny brain asleep. I meet with Dario and we have a blast! We eat, drink gin tonics, smoke weed, chat and chat and chat and watch Twin Peaks and I feel like I am not alone in the world, I feel like I have a soul mate, I realise I am blessed with a treasure friend and not only because he is just nice to me but because he is a wonderful human being and it’s his nature and he’d be wonderful even if I’ve never got to meet him and the world would still be a better place.

I meet Dario’s flatmate, and he joins us a couple of evenings to listen to some good music and chill. Apparently there is some sexual tension and I am clueless because that part of me is asleep but Dario notices and he tells me afterwards. I am astonished by the fact that someone had the arrogance to think I want to sleep with them, like they could read me without knowing me, and Dario says that probably his flatmate did read me and he did that so well. I’m speechless. I think he’s right and I am upset because I don’t even know why but I also want to sleep with his flatmate and that feels so strange in its simplicity and purity.

My last night in Berlin I am laying on the mattress on the floor, scrolling through Instagram, Dario is asleep on the bed, it’s 2am and I am restless and I don’t know why. I get a notification, F liked one of my IG stories, I don’t know what to say, he keeps messaging and says that he is sorry for not saying a proper goodbye that night, I say that we will have another chance because I’ll be back eventually, he suggests that the chance is “now”. I think for a moment, I look across the bed to see if Dario is still asleep. Silence. I get out of the room. I knock on F’s room and walk in, it’s dark and he is sat on the bed, I sit next to him and we have a brief chat.

It’s a little bit later in the morning, I am on S’s bed and I feel privileged to just exist here with no one around, a quiet place, a room that feels like home. I know it’s probably just an escape and the storm is yet to come but I am ready, I don’t know yet but I am ready because I am fire, that’s what I am made of and no one will ever take than away again.
I get out of the room and see a sock on the knob, I think it’s funny because it’s not like he’s sharing the room with anyone else and his flatmates already saw me last night, and probably heard us fuck anyway. Whatever. I make some coffee and come back inside, I sit at his desk and embrace this sense of gratitude.

F and I are not talking anymore. The whole world goes in slow motion and F is leaning towards me, he softly kisses my neck and I feel desired and that energy spreads throughout my body and stops between my legs. The universe is sucked into my womb. Silence in my brain. An implosion! I am unlocked and F has no clue and F is not even a good fuck because we are both tired and he is drunk but this moment is the symbol of my awakening.

I sneak back into Dario’s room and I still can’t fucking sleep because I am making myself promises. I am going back to London and I am drastically changing my life and I am going to do everything in my power to be happy and free, free, free and it doesn’t matter if I’ll have to fight through sweat and blood, I made it so far and it was so shit not to be myself, I might as well give it a try because what’s worse than the void?

It’s time to leave S’s place, a new exciting opportunity is awaiting and I’d better be ready. I know that I will close that door and everything will disappear, everything I’ve ever known is going to expand and I am going to get everything I ever wanted and that’s the scary part. The trick is to know exactly what you want and then you just take it, it’s there.

It’s my last morning in Berlin, Dario and I are awake now, stretching and yawning. I look at him from the bottom of his bed and ask him if he’s heard anything last night. He says no and then pauses: “What have you done?” he asks smiling. My face is the colour of my hair and I tell him about what happened and as I am doing it I start to recognise myself, it’s me, it’s really me, Nina Sever, telling a sex story to a friend. That’s me. That’s what I am going to do, it’s one of the hundreds of the things I am going to do and everything is going to fall back in place. I am going to fuck like there is no tomorrow and I am going to talk about it in different forms.

And so I am.