It’s the tale of the New Year’s Eve and the four of us are sitting on the bed. We are kind of trying to bond because we are still tripping but there is just no chemistry between us at this point. The night was troubled and in contraposition to E’s drama it even felt boring at times. N came to me a couple of times drowning in oxytocin, apologising for always treating me like shit, and I just told him that it didn’t matter. That’s the thing, when I care, I care so much it hurts, and I love it; when I decide it’s not worth it anymore, I leave the void behind me as I move forward so fast you haven’t even noticed I am gone. Besides, I never trust what people say when they are on drugs unless those things have been said and shown repeatedly in a sober kind of setup.
C is asking questions to L and she just can’t connect, I know her, I don’t need an altered state of mind to see every little shift in her, that’s her beauty, absolute transparency. She tells me she feels panicky so I hold her hands and remind her to breathe slowly and deeply. C and N seem fascinated by this moment, monkey see monkey do.
And then I have a fucking hole in my memory and I don’t remember what was said but at some point I was forced to out myself and justify a statement of mine. I always had a suspect that N was jealous of L because of all the time we spent together, and the nights I spent at hers because he was being an absolute impossible agglomerate of repressed anger and violence. Now that N’s filters are down, he shows his true colours.
C or N insinuate something in regard of a potential sexual connection between me and L, something like that, I don’t remember what exactly they said and why... Perhaps a hidden desire? I deny whatever they are saying and N says “Yeah you wish” as if to say ‘I know you’d like to fuck her’, with a sleazy tone in his voice. What the actual fuck?
So I say “Oh, I think L is incredibly beautiful and attractive, but she is my best friend, I am not sexually attracted to her”. Done. Absolute pure crystal truth and yet I feel dirty inside. I feel violated and disrespected and I don’t know what’s happening and how we’ve got here, therefore I can’t protect my best friend from this unfair attack either; on top of everything, I hate that this mother fucker manipulated me, yet again, into outing myself and exposing something that is none of anyone’s business, perhaps not even L’s.
That sat with me for more than a year now and I’ve been obsessing over the details I can’t remember... But does it matter?
L and I discussed the matter afterwards and we agreed that it was a fucked up thing to do. We’re cool as usual. The problem was the memory that kept bubbling up time to time, and I couldn’t understand why it was bothering me so much, and why I’d become tense and irritated, worried and at times paralyzed because of it. I have an answer for myself now: trauma.
More than a year of my life has gone to shit and only I know how hard it was, and how many times things like this happened because of N. I know, and L knows because she saved me countless times. I wasn’t aware of how bad it was until I was out of it, but the moment I realised I probably needed to get out of that relationship was when my best friend was dragged into the mud too. You touch my family, the most precious circle of people I’ve chosen, you are going to be left in the vacuum of that void that you created in my heart.
Fuck you. I am not ready to forgive. I will never forget.
