How can I explain what I feel when I am not sure myself? I was talking to Hoss last night and I don’t think I explained it well to him either, and it’s because I’ve never really tried to articulate what I am in words, at least not this part of myself. And that’s the whole point, there is so much of me, and the more I let go the more it comes.
I am this cup of infinite love and sexuality and I feed from it and I let others drink of it. For each mouth I add to the source of love and pleasure, there is an exponential growth in energy for me to feed from more and again, and again, and again.
Being this a crazy time to be alive, when online dating stays online and you can only choose from a set of sex toys to give yourself pleasure, it turned to be an incredible moment of exploration for me. I opened an Only Fans account three months ago to help myself pay the bills and stuff, and it now turns to be my primary source of income because companies turned their asses on me and other sex workers and creators can’t really step into the picture (literally) because they are self-isolating too like normal human beings should. Not having other people to film with, made me focus on myself and what I have to offer to my viewers, because I would have never started to make porn because of money, it has to be about pleasure and empowerment, it is that simple. And when I have that approach in life in general, money just comes naturally.
I opened up again. It’s pretty awesome that pornography gives me a chance to really be myself, no matter what side of the camera. I play a character and I discover that it’s just another raw part of myself that comes through and integrates with all the other pieces. I feel so complete.
As I was easing into being in front of the lens with no one around, I met C, just a week before lock down and we ended up self-isolating together, not out of need but out of luck. I am polyamourous but not really a group person, I like my encounters to be one on one as much as possible, I really want to know the other, I want to know myself through the other (don’t get me wrong, even I miss a beautiful orgy at this point). The lock down played in my favour and all the other possible encounters flaked off and only C stayed and I felt a little bit like in front of my camera when no one is watching, except C watching me became the lens, and their body the shutter, their movements a diaphragm reacting to the light that I’d let through.
Being able to do rope once or twice a week is such a luxury, such a fucking privilege, and because I couldn’t see anyone but C, I got to know them really well, and they probably know me really well now too. Their tying style stayed, their touch and intensity changed, and I’ve never had a chance to explore my body and mind like that, because I couldn’t go and tie with someone else, ‘cause, ya know, there is a deadly virus out there (you can tell yourself whatever fairy tales, people are dying). I came to a point of completeness with C in our rope play, so now I know that when I’ll tie with someone else it’s not going to be out of need but out of that specific and unique connection with my potential play partner. I crave rope with C because it’s with C, and not because it’s just any rope, so that is so beautiful too.
I saw F two weeks before lock down and we had a beautiful rope session, it was the first time, still getting to know each other but it was very intense nonetheless. Few days before then I had that first session with C and my sheen still hurt, and F’s tie just wrecked that sheen even more, and it was amazing, I love when pain overlaps, I love to feel more people on my skin without them even touching me. But I am a huge masochist and I have to keep that in check and heal properly each time, I don’t always want to... The self-isolation forced me to give myself that time to recover.
So this is the situation. I am self-isolating with C and the more time we spend together, the more coffee and sex and rope and intellectual clusterfuck talks, the more I struggle to keep my feelings in check, and I don’t think I should, and I don’t think I want to, I just want to feel. As this is happening in me, I miss F even if we’ve only met twice and I am so fond of their persona, and I can’t wait to see them again and talk about AI and kink and do rope together and explore all the new ways to have my body fucked up (with grace).
And I could talk about C and F for days, especially C because I know them better, I could write books about who they are and how I feel about them, and in a way I already am. You may wonder where Hoss stands in all of this, and Hoss stands exactly where he deserves to stand: deep in my heart. No one is taking that away from me or from him, never ever no matter what (I always think of Paz De La Huerta saying that to Oscar in Enter The Void, don’t ask why - you know if you know). And the beautiful part in all this is that no one can take that away not because they are less important but because no one is less important.
I can be myself, my true self in all the facets: One, No one and a Thousand Hundred. The first time I’d read that book by Pirandello I had a little existential crisis, not because I didn’t know what to do with that information but because I exactly knew what it meant and I finally had words to describe it. It was simply too much and I didn’t have the tools to live my life the way I wanted. I can only live the infinite “who” through other people, I can only be complete when I don’t confine myself. One of the polyamory aspects is that of expressing my entity at its fullest. The other side to it it’s the exploration, I can’t imagine not getting to know other people, and sexuality is just one of the keys to a deeper level, and it’s about how you use it. Many people fuck, only a few really get it. And I finally feel like I surrounded myself with people that really get it, and I have space for more, it’s like giving infinite birth in reverse.
My ethics is still very strong, and we live in a society and not in a delusional happy hippy forest, there is a lot of work to do. There is a lot of talk going on, especially with Hoss since we’ve been together for a while now and it’s the first time a kink endeavour of mine goes further than a couple of plays; we’ve been through ice and fire together, I owe a good explanation about my feelings and intentions. I’ve got to respect other people’s desires and priorities outside of my main relationship too, and it’s all been said, it’s all been stated, it’s all in the open so that we can put that on the side like a fire that warms you up after a walk in the snow and we can enjoy each other and learn from each other and explore pain and pleasure in the darkest and safest of ways.
The more I give, the more I regenerate, that’s the best I can define what polyamory is for me. And I love all the definitions of family or fluid bonds, packs, brotherhoods and a sense of community, but before trying to save each other and lose a sense of individuality, I think it’s important to explore solo, learn respect and communication, and only then fully open and stay that way when the family you’ve chosen keeps you safe, and wild.
Analogue photos of me by Conor James