I love to write on commission, it really pushes my limits, I learn, I become a better human, I refine my art, I feel like I have the right to be. I know it’s silly to validate myself through glimpses of success defined by other people’s targets and requirements but one step at a time... I look back, and I don’t compromise anymore.
I do not compromise unless I can learn from it and get closer to who I want to be. And who I want to be is who I really am, deep inside, when no one is watching but I wish that everyone was. And I overshare in despair and I complain and kick and scream and push everyone away so that I am a raw and violent and angry sentence spit on a piece of paper.
I cuddle by touching my own hand, so thin and graceful. Is that how the others feel me? I only remember my mother taking my hand and observing it, describing it with such love it hurts, because it’s not someone else’s fetish but a result of that screaming and pushing. I want to go back inside.
When I am tied up and suspended, it feels like going back with the gravity of my knowledge. The rope pushes against my hips and my body is pulling to the ground but it can’t touch it. I let go and can feel my blood bubbling and boiling inside my veins, and I imagine I am in space, further and further away from Earth.
I feel his hands and fingers slipping through between the rope and my skin, and that millimetre of space feels infinite. Please don’t let go. Tighter. Closer to me. Don’t let me go. I close my eyes and I am genderless, one leg being pulled higher and more open, helpless, ecstatic. No more closed poses because that little girl is dead and I am going to fight for myself by exposing my flesh and my will to live.
I don’t know how I ended up talking about my rope sluthood but that’s the beauty of journal writing, I am free and I define my rules by just following my circular style, and the ones that resonate with my stories just read them. I always come back to the point I’ve started from, because the universe probably repeats itself somehow but all I know is gravity.
