A smear test is something they tell you to do, and you do it, and you don’t really know why you do it. The word cancer is thrown between the lines to scare you into doing it, and we think that cancer always happens to someone else, like a war in a far away country.
I wasn’t registered in UK yet when I did my second smear test in Italy, a routine check, not the most comfortable thing in the world but you just do it. I didn’t know HPV existed, not a good excuse but I’ve never seen that listed anywhere, no one ever told me, when I was informed about STD and went for my routine checks no one said I should also do my smear tests because HPV is sexually transmitted.
I was in London when my mum, who claimed the results for me, called me a bit panicky and told me they found “abnormal squamous cells” in my cervix, which could be HPV (fucking scary cause so close to HIV, these big letters and not much information – however, HPV stays for Human Papillomavirus), further tests were necessary. I had no fucking clue of what any of those words meant and did my mother’s mistake and googled it.
Now, there is one thing to know about Google and the pharmaceutical interest in triggering you to think you are going to die IF you don’t do a specific expensive thing: money. You will never find “chill the fuck down you’ve got this” if you search for “squamous cells”. You will find “CANCER”.
So, my mum and I freaked out and I burst into tears, called my flatmate who run downstairs and panicked just as much as I did and then looked at me with my phone in my hand and said “alright Nina, we are going to put this away now, ok? You are going to the clinic and they will tell you what you need to do. If you had cancer, this test would say cancer”.
So this is what I can tell you from my experience. I went to my GP and translated what my Italian test listed, and they directed me to the Homerton University Hospital in London, the best hospital when it comes to uterus owners’ issues, at least in my opinion. They gave me an appointment to have my colposcopy and biopsy done in order to establish if I did have HPV. They explained what HPV was, what stages of HPV existed (did you know there are like 100 different types of the virus?) and what they meant, and what could be done if my stage was advanced or if my kind of HPV could lead to cancer. They used the word cancer very carefully but they didn’t hide that possibility, which was rare they said but it could happen and because I had my smear tests done regularly we would be in time to operate. That didn’t sound comforting but knowledge is power, knowledge is control.
I went for my first colposcopy and it felt less uncomfortable than a smear test, you just open your legs as per usual during a gynaecologist’s visit, they insert a speculum into your vagina so they have more room to see what they need to see, and when you get a good doctor they will tell you step by step what is going on and they will ask if you are comfortable at all times. If you don’t want them to talk to you, ask them! If they are not talking to you but you want them to tell you what they’re doing, ask them! You make their job easier as well if you communicate. For me it was extremely helpful to know exactly what was going on, it was like having control over something bigger than me.
Then they spread acetic acid and iodine solution onto your cervix which helps to see and identify abnormal cells, once the solution provokes a reaction, they will analyse your cervix through a magnifying glass.
I had a big ass screen next to me and I could see what was happening inside of me, and I fucking saw it, the damn HPV, and I started sobbing, and my brain went into thinking of what would be last thing I’d like to do on this planet. It sounds a bit silly now, but I had no idea of what all of that meant. The thing is, on the screen you see what would be impossible to detect with a naked eye, and it’s “magnified” to a ridiculous extent, of course it looks terrifying. It’s not, though. Trust me. The doctor didn’t look surprised of the way I reacted, she just explained what she was seeing and assured me it was not cancer, just abnormal cells zoomed in, and from what she could see it was not cancerous. She then asked me if I was ok with her performing a biopsy and took some of my cells for further examination. That felt like a slight uncomfortable pressure in my low abdomen and I had a bit of bleeding but I already knew because she told me.
I wish I didn’t have to work that day but no one gives a shit so I went and did my six hours shift in a shop I used to work, asked my supervisor if he could bring the bucket full of water upstairs when we were about to close and I was expected to clean, but he forgot. So I bled a bit more because of the effort, did my duty, and left. Apart from this, the examination and what happened afterwards were not a big deal. I promise. Maybe take a day off, if you’re lucky your manager is not a moron, if not you can fake a flu which to them seems more acceptable to miss a day at work.
I’ve got my results which confirmed HPV of not cancerous agglomerate and I’ve been living with it since then, just doing my colposcopy and biopsy once a year and I’ve recently been discharged from the clinic to get back to my normal regular smear tests at the GP. My HPV receded slightly and I stopped smoking since I was diagnosed under the suggestion of my doctor, they said I had a better chance of healing if I didn’t put that shit into my body because I’d just be stronger. And I guess it worked. I didn’t have to do anything else, there is no cure, your body can heal itself, if it’s the bad guy HPV then an operation might be needed and it’s not a complex one, so don’t panic!
I say “my HPV” because I don’t see it as this demoniac possession in my womb anymore, it’s under control and I am so grateful I was able to get through that with professionals I didn’t have (and couldn’t afford) to pay. This thing is part of me for now, I had to accept it and it’s now going away, I’ve got this.
My sexual life was indirectly affected because no one told me, and I didn’t ask, how I was supposed to go about it, so I did what I’d do in a normal STI situation, and I told my partners’ that I had HPV, I always had protected sex and when I didn’t because me and a long term relationship partner decided alternative ways, I was always, always, always honest. According to analcancerfoundation.org one in three people and 90% of the UK population will come in contact with the virus in their lifetime. Wow. Innit.
So, I know I’m not alone, and the only shameful thing would be not to protect myself again and not to communicate to the ones I want to fuck that I have it. Sometime you don’t know you have it, it’s asymptomatic in most of the cases, some other times you do know, and it’s your duty to let people know if you’re going to sleep together. If they shame you for this, tell them to go fuck themselves, they don’t know what they’re talking about. If they are a bit scared but not assholes, just educate them. If you don’t know if you have it or not, go get your smear test done, it takes one hour of your life, once a year or every two years, and it can save your life. Or maybe you’re eligible for the vaccine, and if you are, do your homework and protect yourself!
I wish I knew all this back then. But I know now! And so do you.