I wanted to talk about this for so long, because even I sometimes struggle with it and I am fully aware and willing to improve. So, in my opinion, there are two types of sex talk: the one you use to ask for what you want, and the other is for the things you don’t want done to you in that moment or at all.
Let me tell you one thing first, you don’t have to explain why you like or don’t like something, it’s the way it is and your partner has to accept it, and of course they are free to say no to something you want but they are not allowed to demand more than what you feel like sharing in the moment. If you do want to share your reasons, it would be nice of your partner to listen but if they don’t feel like it in that moment it’s also ok. What I learned from my complex PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), is that when I talk about traumatic memories because I think they will give a better perspective on why I behave and react in certain ways, it’s quite traumatic for my partner to listen to those things too and they need to be in the right mind set. It’s the same reason I sometimes don’t want to say why I don’t want something done to me, because I don’t want to relive the trauma in my head. I’ll cover PTSD in a separate post at some point in the future when I have a better understanding of it myself.
There are, in my experience, three instances you can have the sex talk. Firstly, pre sex negotiation, and our kinky folks will be familiar with it, if they are not they need to review their BDSM ethics. Full stop. Many people are afraid that a negotiation will ruin the magic of discovery and spontaneity, I say this belief is unfunded. You DO want to know in advance if your partner is going to cum all over your face, and you DO want to know if your partner is into you cumming all over their face... because if you don’t know and you do that, someone is going to end up in tears, ghost you, act passive aggressive or simply become unhappy in their sex life and that’s unacceptable.
You don’t have to be into anything kinky to have a negotiation, I like to apply it with every new partner, whether we’re about to dive into some vanilla silky sensuality, or we’re going to knock things off every surface of the house (which in my mind is still vanilla but let’s not talk about it). I think it’s extremely erotic to talk about sex with people I am attracted to, when they say “oh my god when they do this to me” I start thinking “mmm let me do this to you”. I see no reason for my potential partners not to be aroused by me talking about what I like in sex. And then we finally fuck and we know that if we do “this” to each other, worst case scenario someone is going to orgasm. How terrible.
I once went on a date with a guy and he told me he’s so much into cumming on his partner’s face, and although I find it sexy to watch, I don’t want any cum on my face, and I don’t know if it’s the physical sensation, my toppy vibes that refuse someone else’s dominance, but that’s simply how I feel, I don’t like it. So I told him and I saw his face drop, and then we looked at each other for a long time and I added that if someone cums all over the rest of my body, that’s totally cool. And we stayed for more drinks and no one got hurt.
Another example, I like my hair pulled only in specific moments during sex and I find it difficult to communicate during the intercourse, so I just say it before, “look, if you pull my hair when you’re fucking me really hard, it’s totally cool, if you want to”. And then they do and I feel like I’m going to die in pleasure. It’s a good thing.
The second opportunity to communicate what your sexual preferences are is during sex. I admire those who are able to ask verbally for what they want, and I find it extremely hot and unless they ask me to fuck them in the ass with a non hygienic object it’s pretty much impossible I say “no, I am not giving you what you came for”. I myself don’t seem to be comfortable in asking for what I want but I try to guide them with hands and movements... let me tell you, it doesn’t always work, so I am teaching myself to leave my comfort zone and just ask, and Hoss has been very helpful (and patient). I have to accept the idea of someone telling me no, and it is not going to mean that I don’t deserve pleasure; people are different and that’s ok, and I’ll have a chance with someone else.
But I am really good at asking the others for what they want, or at double checking that what I am doing is alright, I want active consent at all times! I see it helps people relax, or ask for more, or tell me to slow down or whatever.
I am a little bit tired of the idea that sex has to be magic, an encounter between two telepaths reading each other’s minds and bodies, giving each other these mind blowing orgasms in a fraction of a second. Life is not a fucking (literally) movie, so build your own reality based on trust, understanding, communication and honesty. If your partner(s) refuses to accept that you don’t like something or want something they are not giving you, the root of your problem is not sex. And I have a little advice for both monogamous and non-monogamous people. If you are in an open relationship, don’t give up on your biggest kinks just because your partner likes other kind of kinks, talk about it... maybe you do like the same things, or maybe you’ll find new ways to experience something you knew; only after doing your absolute best to find a common ground, go and search for those things in other partners, so you won’t be running away from your partners but you will be chasing new and beautiful pleasures in a pure way. If you are monogamous, don’t cheat on each other; talk, talk, talk, and work on that relationship of yours, what the fuck are you doing together otherwise? Love is not enough.
Finally, another way to discuss sexuality is after you fucked. Some people find it easier because they see things clearer and they are able to collect their thoughts about what happened, and please please please don’t tell off your partners with things like “you should have told me right there”, because if they could have they would have; they are telling you now, so appreciate the honesty and take a minute to listen and maybe share your vulnerability too.
I love the after fuck talks, and sometimes they consist of breathing and saying “that was amazing” a lot, other times it’s all about work and grocery shopping because we had a quicky, but it can also be a proper conversation about old boundaries falling down naturally, previously unexplored limits being pleasurably pushed, or the usual preferences not sitting right anymore. If you are into BDSM, you will be familiar with the aftercare, a moment tops and bottoms take after an intense sexual or non sexual session. It’s when you discuss how you both felt, what worked out well and what didn’t, so you reassure each other and take into consideration each other’s minds and bodies. It’s a moment of humanity and extreme vulnerability, it’s very bonding and just overall a safe space where everyone is allowed to express their fears and love and hate and all the spectrum of emotions in a direct but respectful way.
I sometimes like to apply this practice to my non BDSM sexual encounters. If my partner did something I didn’t like, they probably felt it during the fuck, but they deserve my honesty afterwards, when the hormones are not obfuscating our minds and things are seen for what they are. It’s a moment I take to reassure myself and my partners, because I know no one hurt me intentionally (unless previously negotiated because I am into pain, a lot), and perhaps or surely we will fuck again so it’s better to know what feels nice and what doesn’t. Talking about sex is like building a pleasure house together, once the fundament is stable we’re good to go but time to time we need to fix the roof or paint the walls.
Last but not least, let’s talk consent and other couple of things.
For example, I personally will always ask if the person is ok with me going down on them, and I have a low tolerance for people, especially cis men saying “who wouldn’t want a blowjob?” You’d be surprised. Also, although we see “eat pussy not animals” all over the internet, many vulva owners are not that much into it, or not with new people, or not in some specific kind of situations. So, just ask, and they will probably say “yes please of course oh my god”, so you can just dive down there and explore and see some magic happen; but if they say “no, I don’t feel like it right now”, you will safe fifteen to thirty minutes and will focus on something else that your partner is into in that moment.
Another important thing, please respect who prioritises your consent. I once was with this girl I really liked, and I probably still do, and it was our first time together and we were super horny and things were going well and I really wanted to go down on her but right before starting I wanted to make sure I wasn’t violating her boundaries (working in porn taught me a lot about active consent), so I asked her if I could lick her pussy and she looked at me like “daaaah of course” and I am glad she was up for it, and we had a lovely time, but that look she gave me stuck with me for a long time. I don’t want to be seen as a retarded alien because I care!
In general, say what you need and want to say, it’s your right, but when possible choose your words wisely, and tone your voice with vulnerability in mind, because sex is beautiful for that reason too. It is difficult to stay open and not compare each other and ourselves to others, so when you talk about what you like or don’t like, please remember that someone else will love those things or wish they could love them but there is so much shame and oppression. We are not alike, and that’s ok.
I remember this threesome I had with a man and another woman and we then had a friendly chat before departing and she said something on the lines of “oh I have no problems to orgasm” in relation to her timing. I thought “well, neither do I, it just takes me time and connection and consistency” etc etc etc. I felt offended (or chose to be offended because I was really vulnerable in that instance) because she used the word “problem” in relation to time that it takes to someone to orgasm, and that is just not right.
You never know who is listening next to you and you’d be shocked if you knew how many times it’s your partner themselves. Be nice, be caring, be communicative and open, and talk to each other, and listen and accept the other into your body just as much as into your mind because it’s there that the real magic happens. There is no mystery or guessing, and despite knowing exactly what everyone wants you can still surprise each other, and explore and grow together and be the best version of your sexual selves.
