Today is one of those days. I feel restless, somehow productive but mostly I wish I could just fuck.
I feel a little bit more alive and the cloud of depression seems to be behind me. It’s never completely out of my life but I learned how to deal with it, and it’s mostly me avoiding casual sex and drugs, and hoping for the winter to be over.
Somehow, it always pans out, doesn’t it?
Let’s catch up on what I’ve been up to. As many of you know, Berlin has been pretty much a routine, and some amazing things happened, like Kinktastisch and Smut Slam, just amazing sexual fun queer and inclusive kinky environments. In Berlin I feel like I don’t have to be part of anything in particular, I feel fluid jumping from one community to the other and everything entwines in a non clingy or exclusive way.
I still struggle to find my perfect community in London and I don’t think it exists in general but here... if you are not part of something specific, you are not as welcome in all the other things of which the same people are part of.
London is the city to be to forget, Berlin is where you go to remember the smell of sex in the morning and not feel ashamed about it when people stare at you in the u-bahn.
I feel like I am holding myself back from something, or someone, I feel like my real sexual being is still edging its way through the Misty Mountains. I am waiting for some magic to happen, like something’s gonna click and I will be free to be the incredible slut that I am supposed to be. Is it the patriarchy to oppress me? Or maybe it’s PTSD? I don’t know but perhaps stepping back and not fucking anyone else apart from Hoss, gave me a better perspective on what I want. The biggest revelation I had was that I am very fluid in my gender and sexual preferences. One day I want a sweet and slow approach, and the next day I want to be used and abused, hurt and fucked until I don’t remember my name anymore. That violence... is in my blood. The bruises that remind me of who’s my daddy and what he’s capable of, and how sweet he can be afterwards... Mmm.
And that’s ok.
I have to actively remind myself that when one or the other side prevails or disappears, its counterpart is still part of me, or better... it is me. I just need to focus on the moment and see what I want and communicate it clearly to my partner(s). In the end of the day, I just want to fuck and be free.
As usual, p()rn is here to save me. Specifically making p()rn.
We’ve delivered our film for XConfessions and I am finally able to see it for the beautiful fantasy that it is, that was once in my brain and is now performed by two human beings. Insane.
But making a medium budget short film, dissecting its essence to the point you don’t feel any sexuality left within, is not like filming a small intimate project
Although I think my film looks and feels stunning now, it only expresses my sexuality to 10% degree, and it has to be that way because I cannot allow myself to be sexual on set or in post production, because I want my sex performers to feel safe and respected at all times until the project is completed in its various stages. When the film is ready to be shared with the world, only then I let myself go and look at it like I didn’t make it, and by the time that happens I evolved to the point I am someone else again.
So, I’ve decided to open an OnlyFans account and upload p()rn on a regular basis, it’s mostly just me sharing my intimate moments of pleasure, because that’s how I feel on that day and by the time I show it to my subscribers there is still a lot of me left in it and I like it like that, because it’s a safe way to push my limits and still have someone involved, with the control totally up to me. I like that some strangers and friends can see me genuinely smiling, moaning, tensing like crazy during my mind blowing orgasms. Making p()rn allows me to take my time to cum, because sometimes it takes me a while; I now realise and appreciate all that physical and psychological edging, because when I cum, I cum so fucking hard it knocks me off. And how wet I get, and how I move, and how I forget the camera is there, and the look I give to the lens when I’m done, it is like having sex. And when I turn the camera off I feel pure and satisfied, because I am an exhibitionist and I know I’ve done my performance with consensual subscribers and most importantly my consent is agreed upon the money people pay to live that experience with me. Money is consent, and I love how comfortable I am with this concept. I am just being paid for my job and I fucking love my job.
I’m not going to do something stupid and try to apply this perspective to when I have private sex with other people, but I want to feel just as free and lost in pleasure and I know I’ll get there. So I think there is a lot to learn from this experience I am living. I do what I want in front of the camera and those sexual preferences and consent are established between myself and I; I am sure I will find the perfect way to communicate my desires to someone who is not me but for now I am proud of myself for being honest and accepting of... myself.
self-portraits, the whole uncensored set is available on my OnlyFans