My dear reader,
I promised that I was always going to be honest with you, and I intend to keep that promise. I sat in front of the screen for a while, staring into the void, I always do; it’s really rare that I get a sudden inspiration, for me writing is hard work, but once I start I’m in the flow. I had ideas I wanted to develop, collaborations I wanted to talk about but something inside of me doesn’t sit right, so I’m going to talk about myself instead, as a person, not only as an artist... as an erotic artist... because that’s just one big aspect of who I am and it’s a curse and a blessing at the same time but no matter how many sleepless nights will pass, or how many mornings I’ll cry, I wouldn’t change this for anything, ANYTHING in the world. To transform trauma into art, is a virtue. Don’t let them tell you otherwise. It is not a coping mechanism, it’s a super power.
Writing comes from a dark and scary place, that’s why I don’t want to get rid of it, that’s why I feed it, that’s why I am learning how to tame it and make it mine, how to drown in it and make it a habit, because most of the times I realise I can actually swim and breathe down there. I realised that my sexual pleasure comes from down there, and I am terrified but I have no choice but to accept it, and love it, and let it take over, that’s why I want to explore my submissive nature; I want to let go, I want someone else to deal with that so that I can just fucking enjoy life for a brief moment.
Most of the time, darkness is scary only because we can’t see, but why do we forget about the other senses?
I am tired to have everything under control, it’s just an illusion. Even writing and expressing myself, it’s all measured, and channelled whether is photography or directing or modelling. There are two things that make me forget about myself, and if I were religious I’d think I’m a tool in God’s hands, and the two things are singing and fucking on camera. I don’t know why these two ways of expressing myself are so similar, but when I sing I feel like I have a place in the Universe. When I fuck, I feel like I don’t need a place to be. Why fuck on camera? Because I think it’s really cool to show my pleasure to someone else who has no power over me... So, no one really has any control if not over their own bodies, I guess.
I modelled for eleven years, from more explicit things to more academic classic nudes. I am so bored. I was so bored. I can only remember a couple of times I was able to be myself and let the energy flow and that was always with women, they seem comfortable with someone else’s sexuality. Men would always focus on other aspects, like that radiator in the background, or the carpet with a wrong colour, or the stain on the wall, to the point I felt like I didn’t matter, like I was not enough to forget about those things, to not see them; I felt like I could have been anyone, and that’s not a good feeling. Women would bypass all that crap very gracefully, they would elevate me and make me feel special, sacred almost... And please don’t tell me it’s the sexual tension that men get nervous about, because I had shoots with women and the air would get so thick with sexuality it would be hard to breathe and we would still work wonderfully and fluently together; and I had shoots with men and feel nothing so if they have a problem with seeing some pussy and their coping mechanism is to move the shit out of the place in order for THE PLACE to look pretty and them not to get fixated on a vagina, maybe they should get back to shoot flowers for a while.
My experience as a sex performer felt like the opposite... It’s honest. No one uses a camera as an excuse to see me naked because that’s literally what it is about and I consent and I exactly know what I’m supposed to do, and no one finds silly ways to coat their desire with the set dressing. Or maybe it’s just me. I think that in fine-art photography, the line between nudity as just another way for a human to express a feeling and the sexualisation of nudity is very blurry, and I am tired of trying to decipher the difference, or of getting bored, so I fuck on camera instead. Everything could change, that’s the beauty of art and of being an artist. And you! You guys seem to understand and accept that change in me, and I am very grateful for your support... You could always sense the sexuality in my photography, no matter what side of the lens I’d stand, and you understood when I used nudity in its purity and tried to dismantle it from the act of sex.
There is so much more to cu... come. Stick around. And thank you for reading and talking to me, I feel like I’m not a complete fuckup any time something I’ve written sparks a conversation.
Dark blessings,
Nina
p.s. masturbate
