I was seventeen when I came out as bisexual. During the sports class, I kissed the person that then became my first girlfriend, everyone was running or doing some silly activity and we just went upstairs to the changing rooms and hid in the toilet FOR NO REASON. We were sure someone would follow so we stayed quiet, but no one came upstairs, no one gave a damn fuck about us and no one would even think of two really feminine looking girls making out, not back then, and still not now (if not for cis men’s amusement).
We looked at each other, she was chewing a gum but it was THE KISS MOMENT, you know what I mean? We stood there like idiots staring at each other, then she raised her hand in the sign of “wait a second”, she threw the gum away and we awkwardly kissed.
I told my mum the same day, she came to pick me up, clueless. She was five minutes into driving and I just practically shouted “I kissed a girl” out of nervousness. She almost stopped in the middle of a busy street. My mum. She deserves a crown. She mumbled to herself “well you’re very young, I think it’s normal, experimenting and stuff”. Yeah, sure mum, I’m almost 31 years old, have been experimenting for a long time now. But she gets that now, it wasn’t easy for her but she did her absolute fucking best! I can talk about other genders to her and she just wants to be sure they are nice people.
When G and I broke up, a bit of experimenting did follow. I was in a relationship with A. and he was the first to suggest I just tried; I was in a relationship with him when the first kiss with a girl happened to begin with, and a bit of drama on my side followed, but he’s been a sweetheart, and probably just the right person to have in my messy life back then. Me and him went to a goth party, he wasn’t a goth guy, I can assure you that... but I was a very, very, very goth girl. So he just sat on the side of the dance floor and watched me dance; all I cared about back then was dancing, I didn’t drink much, I didn’t do drugs, I just didn’t know what to do with all my sexual energy and when I couldn’t fuck on the dance floor (I didn’t know about the existence of the fetish clubs yet), I would dance.
I liked that he was watching, he looked so confident and chilled, sexual, reassuring. I kept dancing and looking at him until the moment I noticed a very, very, very goth girl on the other side of the dance floor. She wasn’t the typical gothic queen, she was more of a post punk creature, also super chilled and confident; she was smoking a cigarette and watching me, too. I kept looking at her, trying to be inviting but not overdoing any of my moves, I now realise how surprisingly free and confident I felt myself, it came natural to me to seduce, to get what I wanted by pulling the people I liked in. She didn’t wait much, she threw the ciggie away with a quick and precise gesture, and she walked toward me. I didn’t feel scared or shy or embarrassed, I just thought that that was how it was supposed to go, no other way. She came very close to me, put her arms around me, caressed my back and my ass, and kissed me. And we kinda danced kinda made out, hands everywhere. I could taste the cigarette on her lips and on her tongue but I liked it. I felt incredibly satisfied that I’ve got that cinematic shot in my head, she didn’t give a fuck about her cigarette, it was all acting, and it all worked out perfectly.
What about A. you ask me? I had no clue. After a while he disappeared and I looked for him everywhere and worried a lot, but I then found him smoking on the staircase and he was smiling. He said he just didn’t know what to do with himself because he wanted to join us but didn’t want to ruin my moment, so he went for a joint instead. I don’t know if it was right or wrong, it was his choice, and our boundaries were clear before I jumped into any kind of situation, it would have been interesting to “experiment” together but it didn’t happen, so I’m just left with this teenage memory I wanted to share with you.
I miss how safe I felt in alternative clubs, especially at the goth parties, because everyone was respectful but also very free and sexual, it was normal to express horniness without harassing anyone. You would dance and if you made your signs clear, someone would get close; if you danced with your eyes closed or looking at the floor, no one would bother you. If you connected you’d go and fuck in the toilets, or just make out very explicitly against a wall or the dj’s booth (or with the dj on their break ah!), or you would go home with someone and everyone would know that guy or that girl and you’d ask your community for feedback to be sure you’re not going home with a rapist or murder or any other kind of psychopaths.
I haven’t been to many fetish and sex clubs, but when it happened I found the same kind of safe environment, and I just think it’s interesting that from outside they depicture us like some deviates when in reality we are the most respectful and caring human beings who simply prioritise pleasure.
Anyway.
She was hot.