I am standing behind the counter at the ice cream bar, top floor of the Science Museum. I want to go to Mars but I have no money, this is the closest I can get because it’s April break and the museums are filled with kids. I hate kids, or at least most of them, I love ice cream but I would have never thought I’d end up serving it to people that didn’t look me in the eyes. It’s a two hours trial shift and I’m chatting with the supervisor, she’s been working here for four years and she has like two degrees. What the fuck. She lets me try their new salted caramel vegan ice cream, it’s delicious and I just want to cry and I can’t wait for this to be over, I hope none of my friends see me wearing this red apron at my favourite museum. It’s the first time I am not walking under the rocket, dreaming of Space, thinking that I worth it, believing in the human race and in...
...erotic films. I have that contact Rooster gave me and I have been thinking about film and video performance for a couple of years now, never had a chance to work on any production as an actor myself, but secretly envied the people I filmed or saw in other films. Also, why was it ok for me to be behind the camera but not in front of it? That’s not what they teach you at school, that’s not what you think you’ll end up doing. But this is the thing. It is a choice, unfortunately not for all of us, but for many it is the best choice, and not only because ethical porn pays well and quick and flows just as legally and respectfully, if not more, as any other job, but because sometimes it’s very “fucking” rad. And it’s beautiful. Not without its flaws and mistakes, but it’s beautiful because the intentions behind it are honourable and honest. It’s just a job, and we are allowed to love our job.
My shift ends, they take me and other couple of people to the office, they ask for our Insurance Number and a bunch of docs, they give us the contracts and I see my “colleagues” filling in the form frantically, excited they’ve been given the opportunity to serve ice cream for a month, and if they end up being good enough they might get a permanent slave position. I stare at the paper, my heart beating like crazy, my face in flames, my hands shaking; I can’t do this to myself. I worked for GQ, I wrote for Playboy because no one told me I couldn’t; I travelled the world and looked at the sunset with strangers, and we fucked and I thought of how amazing it would be to film us and show the world how much pleasure we were experiencing; I interviewed inspiring, free, erotic, clever, confident, overall mind blowing people; I struggled my entire life to feel free myself, because I transformed my sexual energy into art, because I love to take my clothes off in front of the camera and I am one step away from telling everyone to go fuck themselves (for real) and embrace myself completely. I am not going to serve the fucking ice cream at the fucking Science Museum!
“I can’t do this” I say out loud and I am fire. “Excuse me?” asks the manager, puzzled. “I am sorry, this is not what I expected, thank you for the opportunity, I wish you the best”, I hand over the empty form and I walk away. Everyone is looking at me, eyes wide, I am turning down the opportunity of a permanent job in London, how am I going to pay rent? You wait. You just wait and you’re going to be jerking off big time watching me fuck someone who is not you, I think. This is epic.
I walk out of the main doors, my morality untouched, my persona respected, I am smiling, I love myself, I can breathe, I am also broke as fuck, and my heart is bleeding because I just ended a relationship that kept me a prisoner in my own body. I text my best friend and ask them if they want to help me film a solo video of me touching myself, because this company is lovely, they pay well, and I think it could actually be really fun.
They say it’s a bit strange but they’d be happy to help. So we do it. We find a quiet place, make it as anonymous as possible and I think I should just sit legs wide open on the kitchen’s table, not very comfortable for the knees for when my back is to the camera but I’ll be fine, I only need to keep that position for few minutes, by contract. Isn’t that strange? I don’t know what is it with me and the kitchen sex stories, maybe it’s just that neutral space that wasn’t designed for fucks, but I can do whatever I want! No one is telling me when I can go to eat, or to piss, when I can have a break, or how I should be talking to the clients because there are no clients, not yet, there are going to be clients, but that’s not going to be my problem anymore. Right now, right here, it’s just me, two cameras and my best friend. We discuss our boundaries and we make sure we are comfortable with this. It is strange, but it’s so much fun! And I can’t fucking believe this, I am not dissociating, I am so present! I’ve never had one single sexual experience in which I would not dissociate, I can only think of Arianna. I am in control. I can stop this any time! It takes me a long time to cum, but it always does when I am not alone, I am trying to remember all the guidelines the production manager sent me, how much of my pussy should be visible, how long the teasing is, what is teasing, what is considered hard core and how long it should be. After ten minutes I don’t give a fuck anymore, it’s in my system, it’s like learning to ride a bike. And also, one of my biggest fantasies is met, someone else is watching, and so many more are going to be watching when my mind and body are going to be miles away, and I’m going to be safe. The camera is my boundary.
When this is over we have a laugh, “you saw your best friend masturbate and cum, how does that feel?”, “you know what? It was beautiful to watch”. I feel so safe and so happy. I check the content and sent it to the production manager right away, no regrets, not even thinking twice, I exactly know where that’s going to end, and I know it might go on more mainstream platforms too, and I have nothing to hide, I just want to be sure I protect myself from the people that watch porn but are not happy with the idea that someone does that as a job.
Two weeks later I am doing my first girl on girl with a person I’ve met doing extra, could you imagine?
I remember that day. I was getting on the dining bus and heard a group of people say “I’d love to do porn”, I stop and say “I do porn, I am a writer and filmmaker and I worked for Erika Lust, I can hook you up” and these five people stare at me speechless, and I am about to walk in and they are like “where do you think you’re going, come back, oh my god this is rad, tell us more!”.
So I meet L and find out she used to do camming, and I save the contact, because you never know...
I text her and she’s up for it, I spend some time presenting the company we are going to make the video for, I want her to know every single thing and procedure; now she knows everything she is even more excited. We discuss our boundaries. Did I say... boundaries? Like fucking thousand times. Not only. We talk about what we like, what gets us off, what is absolute no no and what is oh yes give me more. We talk about washing our hands prior the shoot and not smoke right before the filming, brush our teeth half an hour before because mint could be uncomfortable for the pussy, we decide on our sex toys and do our STI checks. We’re good to go and we pencil the date. I text my best friend again, and they are happy to help, this time I pay them, I am sorry I couldn’t pay the first time but I needed to cover rent and I was clear about it. At least, I hope so.
We meet at L’s place and have a chat, take our pictures and sent out our outfit choices to the production manager; me and my friend set up the cameras, we had some technical difficulties at the previous shoot so we make sure we learned from our mistakes.
And we shoot. I realise that it’s so much more fun to do this with someone else, it’s never boring, there is always something to do and it’s a bit strange in the beginning but then I am able to let go, I am actually horny. I try to remember the guidelines, what to show, how much to show, that’s imprinted in the back of my mind, I can have fun now. I notice L is still a bit nervous so I slow down, I try to connect, it’s me and her, we can stop any time and we have the person I trust with my life filming us, we’re good.
I cum.
I cum so hard and I don’t even care, I feel my pussy tense and tight around her fingers and I cum. I am smiling, she is smiling, my best friend is smiling. The camera is still rolling but we decide to take a break and carry on a bit later to film L’s orgasm. We are in control.
We have a coffee and talk about what we filmed, how we feel, and we just make sure we’re all alright. We have a cigarette too, and we wash our hands, and that makes us happy because we discussed it in advance and all these little details and requests don’t have to distract us in the moment, we can really focus on the pleasure. And the fact we talked so openly about what we like, made it smooth, and safe. I really don’t understand when people say it takes the mystery away; it’s your fucking pleasure! It shouldn’t be mysterious, because mystery turns into misunderstandings, distractions, pushing boundaries... and rape.
We get back to filming and I find it funny that L and I use a similar vibrator to cum, and overall we just cum in the same way, and we have similarities in how we like to be touched. I already knew that, because we talked about it, and that connection makes me feel fuzzy and warm, human and vulnerable. I don’t know what my expression is like right now, I know there is some sort of filter, because this is a performance, but there is also a lot of honesty and I am excited to share that with the world, because it’s my choice.
L cums, and she’s hot as fuck, and we are laughing, and everything flows freely, and I am still 100% present. I don’t dissociate, not even for a second. I lie next to her and we are breathing hard, trying to calm down, she looks at our positions and says “oh this makes a good still” and it takes me a second and then I burst into laughter because it’s a little reminder that this is our job. I think that the editors are going to trim that out but they leave it there, and I am happy they do.
We are sitting in L’s kitchen, I am downloading the footage, we are chatting and I tell them about my experience at the Science Museum compared to what we just did, they understand me. We feel so free and honest with ourselves and each other, we had a choice. I had a choice! Serve ice cream at a minimum wage and feel ashamed, - not like that kind of job is wrong but it is just not for me - or film myself fucking someone else and enjoy it and get paid very well. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t do it without payment, but I also wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it. I am so exposed with this, and I am a bit scared now that I told you this story, but I also feel strong and safe because I know what I’m doing and I want to do more of this, and the community has my back, and I reached out to people and we talked and they understood. We take care of each other, we check on each other and we are fighting against bigotry and shame, stigma and abuse in and out of the sex industry, and the governments don’t make it easy for us to be safe, and it’s sometimes hard to even talk to a friend because they have been brainwashed but they will then go on kink.com and masturbate and feel ugly inside for doing so. This is so painful to acknowledge.
I am sharing my story, again, in hope that it will give a voice to people like me but even more to the ones that can’t talk so openly, because I am talking from a slightly privileged position. I expose myself not because I am not afraid but because I believe in what I do and at this point I think I have no choice but come forward, and when I expressed this urge to some of my friends they told me that the fact I do what I do doesn’t mean that everyone has to know about it because I still have the support from the sex community and that should be enough. I want to change the world and I can’t change it if I stand in a dark corner. I am going to make some people feel uncomfortable, not by only exposing abuse and repression, but by sharing the good side of the industry, and I am going to create more and make the absolute “fucking” best from my experience.
Now, go fuck yourself.