The position is right, or at least it usually is, and I feel horny and I can’t just get enough of you. And yet, something is not right. Maybe it’s the pressure in my womb? I start wondering what time of the month it is, maybe it’s the physical effect of the PMS? I also think the condom is rubbing against my inner labia now and it’s not like it really hurts but it is catching my attention now, I think that if we keep fucking I will get eventually more wet and it will be alright.
It just doesn’t feel right. Do I not deserve the absolute pleasure and the absolute best I can get from a fuck? Why bother otherwise? What’s the point?
I stop and say “no” firmly, you look at me and you don’t even hold that expression full of wonder anymore, you just know and you are ready for me to take the lead and decide what’s next. And maybe I am still a bit frustrated but I am so happy that when I feel not ok, sex doesn’t have to stop, it can just be adjusted.
So we change the position that I think it’s going to work and I like how quickly and readily you take me, and how patient you are as I am grabbing more lube. I like the lube, I like it in huge quantities as a statement of my humanity, because I am not an endless source of sexual fluid, I am not a machine.
So we fuck and from the first couple of hits, I know this is not going to work either.
I say “no” again but this time we are both smiling, finding my body behaving in quite interesting ways, as if we were watching a film in which a character is creating drama for nothing again. Besides... this is not “nothing”, this is my tool of pleasure and I feel like it is being respected by both of us, and I don’t think I’ve ever had this much patience in me.
You’ll have to be on top, I suppose, just at the right angle so that your dick can go in smoothly without upsetting any of my inner physical self, because we are here to experience pleasure, not discomfort.
And so... we fuck and I forget how the inside of my vagina feels like, exactly how I like it. I just know you are inside and I can feel my body reacting and relaxing and opening to you. I think we found the perfect position for today. I want to let go but I also want to cum stimulating my clit, why haven’t I thought of keeping the doxy closer? Well, maybe because life is not a fucking porn film, so I have to stop you again and grab the vibrator, and add more lube, and reposition myself, and find the right angle together and all that jazz.
Now.
It feels fucking amazing. I can clearly see your face, and it’s close enough to kiss you, I can see your dick sliding in, I can feel it in all the right ways inside; my legs are open wide and are slightly up but not too much so that the doxy is on the magic spot on the side of my clit, a bit to the left, pressing hard between the clit and the outer labia so that the vibration gets all the way though to the GI spot. You can fuck me really hard now, going deep without hurting me, I feel the glans pressing on my GI spot in addition to the vibration and I don’t even fucking know what’s my name anymore, I just know that there is this point in which a fantasy becomes reality and all those times I thought of you on my own and came imagining that you were watching become true.
I want you to see the effect you have on me, I love to hear your moans in reaction to my pussy tightening around your dick, I can feel every inch of it and the time is slowing down. I lose control over my body but my hands remember to hold the wand tight.
I cum so hard I can’t breathe, I am completely paralysed. And you. Oh you just keep fucking me hard and fast and this ecstasy I am a slave of keeps flowing throughout my entire life, everything I suffered for has been collected and channelled into this moment of pleasure that I deserve for the simple fact that I exist. This is so intense I burst into tears, and it keeps coming, and I am laughing now and I don’t know where this air is from because I have no oxygen left in my body.
Breathe.
I deserve this. I keep telling myself that I deserve this and that sex is not perfect and it doesn’t have to be. Sex is mistakes, attempts, changes, talks, learning, teaching, asking, showing, and what works one day might not work the next day. My mind fluctuates in a world full of wrongs, and I have a chance to make it right through my body.
Sex with you is wonderful in so many ways but not only because we are naturally attracted to each other and we are good at it, and we are highly sexual and we feed from that energy to live the best life, but because you don’t take anything for granted, and you listen, and you are patient with me and it’s effortless because those adjustment moments are for you just as part of sex as anything else in the moment, and you don’t see them as interruptions but rather like commas in a paragraph that binds our stories together.
I love you. Thank you. I am addicted to you in all the wrong, co-dependent, enmeshed and intense ways but only because you are very very very good at being a human and I’ve never been addicted to anything good until I met you. Take it as a compliment.
Nina
