There is so much whiteness in the air and for the first time in years I feel calmness in London. I am not home, in fact I don’t have a home, I am still staying at D’s and most of my things are at N’s... a place I could never call home anyway.
This morning I’m at S’s and we have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks or three and it’s not going for anything more than this, friendly sex and chats, comfort, clarity in our own emotions. I was starving for sex because I spent my entire year in a monogamous relationship with someone either on an asexual spectrum or too troubled to face their sexuality to begin with and it was not my job to fix them if there was anything to fix but what I know is that we failed at communicating, and many other things; I completely erased my sexuality and I survived because I kept shooting nude self-portraits and I could never understand why I felt so aroused afterwards, it felt a little bit like fucking myself without ever cumming, for a year. Not the good kind of edging.
A month before, I am in Berlin, as usual, when things are great I go to Berlin, when things are shit I go to Berlin, when I feel lost or lonely or empty or emotional, when my whole body is buzzing and I have too much energy, when I am running low or when I just simply don’t know where else to go, I go to Berlin. And it never disappoints me. Berlin feels like a good friend that you are also sexually attracted too, you meet every few months and fuck and then eat food together and laugh but if you want to cry it’s also ok.
So I go for a few days, nothing left of me, my cunt numb and my horny brain asleep. I meet with Dario and we have a blast! We eat, drink gin tonics, smoke weed, chat and chat and chat and watch Twin Peaks and I feel like I am not alone in the world, I feel like I have a soul mate, I realise I am blessed with a treasure friend and not only because he is just nice to me but because he is a wonderful human being and it’s his nature and he’d be wonderful even if I’ve never got to meet him and the world would still be a better place.
I meet Dario’s flatmate, and he joins us a couple of evenings to listen to some good music and chill. Apparently there is some sexual tension and I am clueless because that part of me is asleep but Dario notices and he tells me afterwards. I am astonished by the fact that someone had the arrogance to think I want to sleep with them, like they could read me without knowing me, and Dario says that probably his flatmate did read me and he did that so well. I’m speechless. I think he’s right and I am upset because I don’t even know why but I also want to sleep with his flatmate and that feels so strange in its simplicity and purity.
My last night in Berlin I am laying on the mattress on the floor, scrolling through Instagram, Dario is asleep on the bed, it’s 2am and I am restless and I don’t know why. I get a notification, F liked one of my IG stories, I don’t know what to say, he keeps messaging and says that he is sorry for not saying a proper goodbye that night, I say that we will have another chance because I’ll be back eventually, he suggests that the chance is “now”. I think for a moment, I look across the bed to see if Dario is still asleep. Silence. I get out of the room. I knock on F’s room and walk in, it’s dark and he is sat on the bed, I sit next to him and we have a brief chat.
It’s a little bit later in the morning, I am on S’s bed and I feel privileged to just exist here with no one around, a quiet place, a room that feels like home. I know it’s probably just an escape and the storm is yet to come but I am ready, I don’t know yet but I am ready because I am fire, that’s what I am made of and no one will ever take than away again.
I get out of the room and see a sock on the knob, I think it’s funny because it’s not like he’s sharing the room with anyone else and his flatmates already saw me last night, and probably heard us fuck anyway. Whatever. I make some coffee and come back inside, I sit at his desk and embrace this sense of gratitude.
F and I are not talking anymore. The whole world goes in slow motion and F is leaning towards me, he softly kisses my neck and I feel desired and that energy spreads throughout my body and stops between my legs. The universe is sucked into my womb. Silence in my brain. An implosion! I am unlocked and F has no clue and F is not even a good fuck because we are both tired and he is drunk but this moment is the symbol of my awakening.
I sneak back into Dario’s room and I still can’t fucking sleep because I am making myself promises. I am going back to London and I am drastically changing my life and I am going to do everything in my power to be happy and free, free, free and it doesn’t matter if I’ll have to fight through sweat and blood, I made it so far and it was so shit not to be myself, I might as well give it a try because what’s worse than the void?
It’s time to leave S’s place, a new exciting opportunity is awaiting and I’d better be ready. I know that I will close that door and everything will disappear, everything I’ve ever known is going to expand and I am going to get everything I ever wanted and that’s the scary part. The trick is to know exactly what you want and then you just take it, it’s there.
It’s my last morning in Berlin, Dario and I are awake now, stretching and yawning. I look at him from the bottom of his bed and ask him if he’s heard anything last night. He says no and then pauses: “What have you done?” he asks smiling. My face is the colour of my hair and I tell him about what happened and as I am doing it I start to recognise myself, it’s me, it’s really me, Nina Sever, telling a sex story to a friend. That’s me. That’s what I am going to do, it’s one of the hundreds of the things I am going to do and everything is going to fall back in place. I am going to fuck like there is no tomorrow and I am going to talk about it in different forms.
And so I am.
