It’s incredible what I am capable of when I allow myself to just be myself. I try to define at least one aspect of my freedom and sexuality, almost force my brain to pigeonhole and compartmentalise how my body perceives desire. It’s a safe space to be, even if for a moment, if I allow nobody but me to dissect my emotions.
Then the walls start growing closer and smaller and I can’t fucking breathe, that’s how I know it’s time to move on. I wonder if I ever shed any of the bits and pieces on the way, because I always feel some entity running behind me, as if they wanted to give me something I dropped on the ground, something that I didn’t realise I even had... let alone needed.
I hate it when someone doesn’t have an updated version of me with them, which is often the case because I evolve very quickly, I get bored and I don’t want to waste my precious time in explaining who I am now. And to be brutally honest with myself and you, I don’t even fucking know who I am. But I know what I want and I am good at communicating that, I have no intention to compromise on my pleasure, which is an absolute priority in life in whichever form it comes.
It is frustrating when I know what somebody else wants but they will not tell me, they will expect me to take responsibility and expose myself. I fear rejection too, but I fear the lack of satisfaction even more. So I am always the most vulnerable. And that makes me stronger, and lonelier, and that’s ok.
There is too much fire for one person, I don’t know how to channel all of it, so for the majority it keeps burning from inside, and I never run out; I go insane and I hate my nature for making me so weak and dependent on someone else’s air to let it flow, or the earth itself to ground me. I am exhausted of this feeling, the never-enough sensation under my skin. One day I will make one step too far and it’s going to be over, the world will stop, I’ll burn all the oxygen left in my lungs and will become ashes myself.
It’s never an addiction, it’s never been about that. There is simply too much of me for myself. When I get that feeling that someone is following me because I dropped my will to carry on, I only see a mirror at the end of the corridor, and if I step back to get closer to myself, I stop evolving, and I would never forgive myself for that. So, I just keep walking away from my own reflection.
I evolve until I am me again. It’s terrifying.