Aaeysha is standing in front of the window; I am behind her to the right so I’m sure I’m not in the frame; James is at the camera, outside, so I’m getting this really strange effect, because when Aaeysha is further from the window and the camera, she is closer to me physically.
I look at the monitor and the light is perfect, she is beautiful and this is exactly what I imagined when I was writing the treatment nine months ago.
I remember the casting, Aaeysha on Skype as she’s telling me what she liked the most about the story, and I am not even sure I am listening anymore because something clicked in my brain and I know she is the right performer, she is Teicu, she is even better than Teicu because her smile is real.
When I completed the script, I immediately thought of Bishop because he has this natural way of channelling his sexual energy... but it’s not like he acted in something like eleven XConfessions films, we had to see our options but in my head he was Min and it would have been really difficult to step out of that. Here we go, sitting in a bar in Berlin, me trying to explain what I want, hoping he says yes. He says yes.
“Camera happy?” I ask.
“Camera is very happy” says James and when I hear that particular inflection in his voice I know we are connected and we’ve got the shot. I love my DOP. I came to this level of trust and understanding with James, when I just know I can say “it’s a sad morning” or “it’s a neutral scene” or “his thoughts are warming up to his fantasy” and James knows, he nods and he is moving the lights already. When I say “it would be nice to have a camera a touch ahead of the action, to convey a nervousness, to leave the viewer edging”, he gets the movement right each time and I can feel my muscles relax and I can focus on my feelings, and I feel like I am creating and I am doing what I was born to do.
I remember “Coffee With Pleasure” and how nervous I was before and during the sex scene, not knowing exactly what to do with myself, focusing on James and his second camera operator, directing them instead of the girls. “Can you see me?” is different, because I explained everything to James in advance, thoroughly but leaving enough space for him to decide for himself, so I am in the room with the performers, to make sure they are safe, to make sure they don’t need anything and to make sure I am control of such a vulnerable intimate moment; I am praying the gods of ethical porn and hope I am doing the right thing. I look at the monitor and again I am blown away by the fact that two human beings are sharing their sexuality with me in order for my characters to come to life. It’s not an easy job. I stand there and everything looks perfect because unlike my first film, this time I give up control at the right time and let Bishop and Aaeysha express themselves and I trust James and Marshall that they are filming exactly what needs to be filmed. I am calm, breathing slowly, I know not everything is going to be perfect, but as they say, the film is told three times: shooting, editing and colour grading. I feel like adding a few more: writing, scripting, shooting, editing, grading, composing and sound designing. And I trust my team of passionate and skilled humans. It is going to look great, maybe not as perfect as in my head at the time of scripting, but it doesn’t have to be, because this is tangible, this is the proof that we go places when we dream.
I pitched this story to Erika Lust for her to direct it nine months ago, and although her production manager and she liked the treatment, they didn’t have time to produce it, pretty understandable considering how much content they release throughout the year. I just thought to myself that no matter how, with whom and when, “Can you see me?” will go to production. And it did. In August I’ve got an email from ELF proposing to work for them again, I dusted off Teicu and Min’s story... and four months later the footage is with Hoss, sitting next to me sending out releases and pulling the reins to make sure we go smoothly into post-production. Hoss! The love of my life, my partner in crime, in work, my best fuck, the best human being I’ve ever met. Who else could have been my producer? This is so huge I cannot imagine trusting anyone else, and I was right, and I am honoured he wanted to accept the job offer, and all this wouldn’t have been the same without him by my side, as a professional and as a warm presence on and off set, someone believing in me and reminding me that others believe in me too or they wouldn’t be there. I remembered about Victoria+Jean working together and how fascinating that felt to me, and how badly I wanted something like that...
I always get what I want, when I know what I want and when I am not afraid to want it.
Thank you to everyone who worked on this project, and who still is... The filming was a blast, and I can’t wait to go into post-production and see this vision pulled together. I could see the passion alive in your eyes, and I was impressed but not surprised with your skills; I know this level of grace comes with hard work, dark days, sweat and tears, doubts, but also trust, love, strength and perseverance. I know it because I’ve been there, and I am still there sometimes, but I am also here, here with you.
I want to mention something Marshal (second camera) said when I asked him how it was for him to film a real sex scene being that his first time, and he said “it doesn’t make a difference from filming any other film”. And that’s how I want to see our future, making beautiful porn, treating it with respect and importance, normalising sexuality to the point it’s just another beautiful thing humans do, and not a scary marginalised taboo.
I am proud of my sexuality and of the creativity that comes within, I am not my job but my job is a big part of who I really am. Thanks to all of you who respected that so far.
All backstage photos by Kriz Barvsson and his partner and assistant Dorota, another example that life partners can work efficiently together. I like these two humans, they are nice and always bring a positive energy on set, it’s so so so important to smile when things get tougher, and they can definitely do that. We worked few times together now and I can’t imagine my set without them.