The fact is that it keeps changing and evolving as I do, as new people step into my life, and as I am processing PTSD.
I thought trauma shaped my sexuality, and in order to survive I had to protect myself, but now that dissociation and triggers are dissipating and are a bit more in control, I can clearly see who I am.
I am not here to talk about PTSD, I will at some point in the future, but not today.
Today I want to tell you the wonders of labelling myself in order to navigate my sexuality, my connections and relationships, and just enjoy my mind and body at full capacity. It is still work in progress but I feel calmer and like I don’t have to fight with myself anymore and I don’t have to proof anything to anyone.
This is who I am, take it or leave. I hope that reading my story, you will find a little bit of yourself, or will realise that you are either holding yourself back or repressing something. I am here to tell you that there is no need because you owe nothing to anyone.
My first sexual impulse started at the age of 12 towards those who identify as women and own a vulva. I didn’t know what that was yet, as nobody straight or queer really knows much about sexual desires when they’re kids because there is the right time for everything, but I fully embraced my fascination. I observed my best friend R as she would talk, because her lips were beautiful and it was impossible not to watch; I remember constantly looking at her ass as well, whether she danced or walked, I felt hypnotised by her movements. I found the same feeling but this time more aware and active when I was 17. I looked at G, who then became my girlfriend, and her sinuosity just took me to another planet. I loved her laughter and how her expression quickly shifted in mood when she cared about something.
And yet... I mostly dated those who identify as men and own a penis. It never started from a physical impulse but as I would get to know someone better and would find them interesting and intelligent and stimulating, something sexual would eventually arise. Today I have a word for it, and it is “sapiosexual”. I am attracted to people’s minds and how they use them, so if nothing clicks on that spectrum I simply feel asexual, or I arouse my brain on my own, creating ideals and scenarios, and of course the reality would never meet my expectations.
I think there was also some post traumatic dissociation linked to penises but that would only kick in halfway through the intercourse, so I have the reason to believe that I just never felt that attracted to bodies with penises regardless.
This leads us to my next label that I find myself very, very comfortable with: demisexual, but only with those who identify as men, whether queer or cis.
Despite my low libido around penises, I recall mind blowing sex with some of my exes, and I am now in a relationship with a man I love to pieces and I am incredibly attracted to, which means that when there are deep feelings and a smart brain involved, I am then sexually activated.
So, I am sapiosexual/demisexual when it comes to people with penises, regardless of their sexual identity. Fun fact... when I am in love with someone’s brain, and when I am fully aware of my love on a long run, what they have between their legs doesn’t even matter anymore, so I always wonder if that puts me on a pansexual spectrum. But can a sexual orientation shift halfway through with the same person but remain intact with the rest of the world? I think it can.
Also, I am definitely pansexual when it comes to people with vulvas and vaginas, whether they identify as queer, non-binary, trans, or cis female. I am still exploring that side of me and trying to allow myself to enjoy these feelings and sensations in my body and mind, but I don’t fully understand it myself, so I am in no position to explain the concept. When it comes to vulvas and vaginas and their owners, the intellectual connection doesn’t have to be as deep and powerful – though it is better when it is -, but my sexual arousal can pop up from a pure physical attraction without much verbal interaction.
Confusing at first, I know! But owning these labels helps me relax and enjoy whatever comes (tee-hee). I feel like I can be myself and when I don’t like something, I have the right way to address it with myself and the people that want a sexual connection with me. I don’t have to explain and out myself every time I want to fuck someone, it mostly helps me to feel more comfortable in my skin, but it’s nice to be able to tell the world who I am in that moment in life if it is relevant to the conversation or a need me and my sexual partners share.
I’ll make an example. Not too long ago I was explaining some of it to a couple I am dating (you know who you are), and I felt liberated and understood, and it helped them to understand better some of my behaviour. All this for a better friendship, to improve the quality of our sexual time together, for the humanity...
There are so many other little details floating and shifting but I try to accept them first, then observe them from aside and see where they want to go; it is incredible to realise that they usually lead to amazing experiences on my own or with others.
Another example to help you understand: if me and Hoss play with other people together, I am naturally more prone to involve people with vaginas, but one of my fantasies is also to play with him and another man or with other two men in general. I don’t know if it’s just a juicy fantasy in my brain or if I’d actually would enjoy it in the physical reality, but I am willing to try and I don’t want to repress that only because I find myself comfortable navigating demisexuality with people with penises. So... I just let it be. And you know what? It feels great to be me.
I’ll leave you with something a dear old friend of mine once said when I messaged him on the verge of a panic attack saying “I think I’m gay”.
He answered: “So what? We will just accept you and love you for who you are”.
I was freaking out because I was with a person that identified as a man and I loved him but I couldn’t understand why penises in general made me feel naturally uncomfortable and why I craved women and vulvas so much. Demisexuality would explain that. Also not wanting a monogamous relationship was a big factor there but that’s a story for another time.
