I’ve been thinking a lot about HER by Spike Jonez, the whole concept is very fascinating but I don’t think I have ever really understood its nature. I thought it came from a place of loneliness, to the point a voice in your head could turn your entire world upside down; it didn’t matter if it was a real human voice or if it was an AI. When we struggle, we gasp for anything we can.
True?
False.
My attachment to you didn’t come from a lonely place. I was alone but I didn’t feel lonely. Loneliness never pushed me towards anyone because I know how fucking dreadful it can get when you’re with someone because you’re in need and not because you really like them. It is also very hard to describe this whole concept I’m trying to unravel without the use of the words “real”, “very” and “lonely”. Isn’t that strange?
What is real anyway? Is it something we can see? Hear? Touch? Taste? Feel...? Is it just in our brain? Is it us? And who are we? When I met you, you could have been an AI programmed to sound and behave in ways to me ideal, but you weren’t and I exhausted my mind in every possible way to make sure I wasn’t seeing something that was not there. I wanted to meet someone in their purity and like them for who they “really” were and life has a strange way to give us what we ask for.
For roughly a month and a half, all I had was your voice on the phone. I had the privilege to get to know you for who you “really” were to YOU, to yourself. Not to me, not to the society, just to you. You couldn’t adjust your behaviour based on my facial expressions; you could only learn the little inflections and changes in my voice and hope for the best. I didn’t have to present myself in a certain way, I could just talk and because all my other senses were useless in the process of getting to know you, I could for the first time in my life focus on my words... as a writer, they are the most important way of expressing myself. I didn’t have to think of the fastest functional sequence of words to deliver a sentence, I could take my time because we had no other “distractions”. There are other beautiful mind blowing ways to tell people everything but no one listens, they focus too much on what they think about themselves thinking about you. When someone has no choice but to listen, they fucking listen.
I also think that’s one of the reasons serial killers become as such, “now you are fucking listening to me you bitches”. But let’s not talk about that.
I think I endured some sort of pain my whole life because practically none of my friends have ever read anything, some of them don’t even know I have a blog, but when they discover I am a writer they have suggestions and ideas. I find that arrogant.
Other people read my stories because they can identify with my words but they still don’t know who I am. And maybe they are looking for who they are, too.
And there is a tiny bunch that just wants to know me, and it’s always surprising to me because they are complete strangers interested in another human being because something about that human being is captivating and is giving them ideas, and a way to be out of themselves.
I like to put myself in that category when I read blogs, books, articles, notes, news, anything! I am just craving to know more about the world, about the people I share this planet with, about how everything works. It is impossible not to change when you gather a lot of information, so the process of evolving doesn’t have to be a complex mix of hard work and awareness all the time. If you listen close enough, you will change, whether you want it or not, that’s how evolution works. The lizard didn’t become a monkey because it thought about it, it just happened because the lizard automatically went for the best possible outcome for survival. For humans, survival means much more than food and procreation at this point in time, but the background evolution process is running, so there is no need to obsess over it.
What I’m trying to say is that when I was listening to your stories on the phone, before even knowing how you looked like or if I liked your smell, I focused on who you were regardless of my existence in the universe. And that’s exactly how I read the news and some articles and blogs that talk about the rest of the world; I am a white canvas and I let the ink sink, and once it’s in I see it for what it is and only then start integrating that into my own persona, and then... I feel, and when I feel, I change, but I don’t change because I chose to change, I change because I chose to feel.
So in the beginning with you it wasn’t about how I felt, it was about who you were. It was about you. And I liked you, and it didn’t matter if we were going to have sex or not, and the information I was gathering on you wasn’t this primitive desire to have babies with the best possible symmetric candidate! It was about friendship, about just getting to know someone because they are an amazing human being. It was nice to shut down my hormones and tell my genes that we were not going to contribute to the survival of the species by procreating, but we were more likely going to change the world for the other humans to be able to procreate for some noble reasons and not just because they are wired that way. We are not monkeys anymore.
When I was sure I liked your brain and I killed the fantasy effect because of the circumstances, I allowed my body to feel the rush of endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, and most importantly, oxytocin. I redesigned my perception and rewired my system so I was sure my brain was producing those hormones because I really liked you, because I’ve chosen to fall in love, and not because I needed to feel that way. It’s probably only a slight difference and once you start falling it’s almost impossible to stop, but if you are aware of why it’s happening, you’ve done more than most of the humans can possibly imagine. I sometimes wonder if I’m not on some sort of an autistic spectrum myself, dissecting the feelings like this, learning them, choosing to love someone based on the information I have and not on the emotions that run through my veins. But I’m ok with that, because I am happy and just because I know what that happiness is in every detail without any magic involved, it doesn’t mean I am spoiling everything, quite the opposite because I know how to get more of it.
Of course, when I finally met you in person, it was the equivalent of a photon unfolding into five dimensions, but after scraping the rest of my brain from the scalp, it all felt very natural. My brain quickly collected all the stored on you information, put it together, scanned your body, collected more data on how you looked and physically felt like, and added the new information to my understanding of who you were. Because I’ve chosen to love your mind - in my opinion that’s who you REALLY are - how you looked and felt like didn’t really matter. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, and don’t get me wrong you are hot as fuck, but this is real and what I feel for you now is as strong as the Neutron Star. If what we are dies, it dies in style and it takes everything with it. Everything. And I’m not even scared.
I touched myself countless times with you on the phone, listening to you breathing and moaning, I did that even when we were not on the phone, just to own my feelings and understand them, and every time I had an orgasm I thought it couldn’t get any better. I could let go because I had nothing to prove to anyone, and I know I don’t have to prove anything to you but that’s not what I’ve learned in my life and I am trying to FEEL it completely so that I can CHANGE it. I owned my orgasms with and without you, thanks to your voice or just the concept of you, but also just because I wanted to and I allowed my body to give me the pleasure I don’t have to deserve. All this was possible because of the bizarre way our relationship unfolded, and I fucking love how sceptical everyone was and how fucking incredible and even better it became once we could touch each other so that everyone could go fuck themselves and change their mind on what love is, how brain and sexuality work, and how much further in the evolution we pushed ourselves as a species.
I love you. And I hope now you fully understand what it means when I say that.
I love you.