• Neen Sever
  • About Me
  • Contact
  • Analogue Photography
    • The Underlayer
    • STRAP Magazine Issue 1
    • Lean In
    • Уже хочу
    • Living Fields
    • In The Garden
    • Home By Midnight
    • You Will Please Me
    • Volo Magazine Issue 60
  • More Than Photography
    • Fort Calendar 2023
    • Fort Calendar 2024
  • Blog
  • My Community
  • Menu

Neen Sever

Art
  • Neen Sever
  • About Me
  • Contact
  • Analogue Photography
    • The Underlayer
    • STRAP Magazine Issue 1
    • Lean In
    • Уже хочу
    • Living Fields
    • In The Garden
    • Home By Midnight
    • You Will Please Me
    • Volo Magazine Issue 60
  • More Than Photography
    • Fort Calendar 2023
    • Fort Calendar 2024
  • Blog
  • My Community
000006920029.jpg

I am going strange

October 14, 2019

I’ve been thinking a lot about HER by Spike Jonez, the whole concept is very fascinating but I don’t think I have ever really understood its nature. I thought it came from a place of loneliness, to the point a voice in your head could turn your entire world upside down; it didn’t matter if it was a real human voice or if it was an AI. When we struggle, we gasp for anything we can.

True?

False.

My attachment to you didn’t come from a lonely place. I was alone but I didn’t feel lonely. Loneliness never pushed me towards anyone because I know how fucking dreadful it can get when you’re with someone because you’re in need and not because you really like them. It is also very hard to describe this whole concept I’m trying to unravel without the use of the words “real”, “very” and “lonely”. Isn’t that strange?

What is real anyway? Is it something we can see? Hear? Touch? Taste? Feel...? Is it just in our brain? Is it us? And who are we? When I met you, you could have been an AI programmed to sound and behave in ways to me ideal, but you weren’t and I exhausted my mind in every possible way to make sure I wasn’t seeing something that was not there. I wanted to meet someone in their purity and like them for who they “really” were and life has a strange way to give us what we ask for.

For roughly a month and a half, all I had was your voice on the phone. I had the privilege to get to know you for who you “really” were to YOU, to yourself. Not to me, not to the society, just to you. You couldn’t adjust your behaviour based on my facial expressions; you could only learn the little inflections and changes in my voice and hope for the best. I didn’t have to present myself in a certain way, I could just talk and because all my other senses were useless in the process of getting to know you, I could for the first time in my life focus on my words... as a writer, they are the most important way of expressing myself. I didn’t have to think of the fastest functional sequence of words to deliver a sentence, I could take my time because we had no other “distractions”. There are other beautiful mind blowing ways to tell people everything but no one listens, they focus too much on what they think about themselves thinking about you. When someone has no choice but to listen, they fucking listen.

I also think that’s one of the reasons serial killers become as such, “now you are fucking listening to me you bitches”. But let’s not talk about that.

I think I endured some sort of pain my whole life because practically none of my friends have ever read anything, some of them don’t even know I have a blog, but when they discover I am a writer they have suggestions and ideas. I find that arrogant.
Other people read my stories because they can identify with my words but they still don’t know who I am. And maybe they are looking for who they are, too.
And there is a tiny bunch that just wants to know me, and it’s always surprising to me because they are complete strangers interested in another human being because something about that human being is captivating and is giving them ideas, and a way to be out of themselves.

I like to put myself in that category when I read blogs, books, articles, notes, news, anything! I am just craving to know more about the world, about the people I share this planet with, about how everything works. It is impossible not to change when you gather a lot of information, so the process of evolving doesn’t have to be a complex mix of hard work and awareness all the time. If you listen close enough, you will change, whether you want it or not, that’s how evolution works. The lizard didn’t become a monkey because it thought about it, it just happened because the lizard automatically went for the best possible outcome for survival. For humans, survival means much more than food and procreation at this point in time, but the background evolution process is running, so there is no need to obsess over it.

What I’m trying to say is that when I was listening to your stories on the phone, before even knowing how you looked like or if I liked your smell, I focused on who you were regardless of my existence in the universe. And that’s exactly how I read the news and some articles and blogs that talk about the rest of the world; I am a white canvas and I let the ink sink, and once it’s in I see it for what it is and only then start integrating that into my own persona, and then... I feel, and when I feel, I change, but I don’t change because I chose to change, I change because I chose to feel.
So in the beginning with you it wasn’t about how I felt, it was about who you were.  It was about you. And I liked you, and it didn’t matter if we were going to have sex or not, and the information I was gathering on you wasn’t this primitive desire to have babies with the best possible symmetric candidate! It was about friendship, about just getting to know someone because they are an amazing human being. It was nice to shut down my hormones and tell my genes that we were not going to contribute to the survival of the species by procreating, but we were more likely going to change the world for the other humans to be able to procreate for some noble reasons and not just because they are wired that way. We are not monkeys anymore.

000006920030.jpg

When I was sure I liked your brain and I killed the fantasy effect because of the circumstances, I allowed my body to feel the rush of endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, and most importantly, oxytocin. I redesigned my perception and rewired my system so I was sure my brain was producing those hormones because I really liked you, because I’ve chosen to fall in love, and not because I needed to feel that way. It’s probably only a slight difference and once you start falling it’s almost impossible to stop, but if you are aware of why it’s happening, you’ve done more than most of the humans can possibly imagine. I sometimes wonder if I’m not on some sort of an autistic spectrum myself, dissecting the feelings like this, learning them, choosing to love someone based on the information I have and not on the emotions that run through my veins. But I’m ok with that, because I am happy and just because I know what that happiness is in every detail without any magic involved, it doesn’t mean I am spoiling everything, quite the opposite because I know how to get more of it.

Of course, when I finally met you in person, it was the equivalent of a photon unfolding into five dimensions, but after scraping the rest of my brain from the scalp, it all felt very natural. My brain quickly collected all the stored on you information, put it together, scanned your body, collected more data on how you looked and physically felt like, and added the new information to my understanding of who you were. Because I’ve chosen to love your mind - in my opinion that’s who you REALLY are - how you looked and felt like didn’t really matter. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, and don’t get me wrong you are hot as fuck, but this is real and what I feel for you now is as strong as the Neutron Star. If what we are dies, it dies in style and it takes everything with it. Everything. And I’m not even scared.

I touched myself countless times with you on the phone, listening to you breathing and moaning, I did that even when we were not on the phone, just to own my feelings and understand them, and every time I had an orgasm I thought it couldn’t get any better. I could let go because I had nothing to prove to anyone, and I know I don’t have to prove anything to you but that’s not what I’ve learned in my life and I am trying to FEEL it completely so that I can CHANGE it. I owned my orgasms with and without you, thanks to your voice or just the concept of you, but also just because I wanted to and I allowed my body to give me the pleasure I don’t have to deserve. All this was possible because of the bizarre way our relationship unfolded, and I fucking love how sceptical everyone was and how fucking incredible and even better it became once we could touch each other so that everyone could go fuck themselves and change their mind on what love is, how brain and sexuality work, and how much further in the evolution we pushed ourselves as a species.

I love you. And I hope now you fully understand what it means when I say that.

I love you.

 

Prev / Next
  • December 2024
    • Dec 21, 2024 Biochemistry Dec 21, 2024
  • October 2022
    • Oct 7, 2022 Into Myself Oct 7, 2022
  • April 2022
    • Apr 26, 2022 Liquid Ego Apr 26, 2022
  • October 2021
    • Oct 14, 2021 Bodies in the dark - ADHD & Autism Oct 14, 2021
  • August 2021
    • Aug 8, 2021 The objective truth in our feelings Aug 8, 2021
  • April 2021
    • Apr 26, 2021 Where did the time go? Apr 26, 2021
  • December 2020
    • Dec 2, 2020 I care Dec 2, 2020
  • October 2020
    • Oct 16, 2020 Thirsty Oct 16, 2020
  • September 2020
    • Sep 25, 2020 Feedback loops Sep 25, 2020
    • Sep 3, 2020 Worth it Sep 3, 2020
  • August 2020
    • Aug 27, 2020 Love on a tree Aug 27, 2020
    • Aug 23, 2020 Human demon Aug 23, 2020
    • Aug 13, 2020 A little bit on the side Aug 13, 2020
    • Aug 5, 2020 Going back to the future Aug 5, 2020
  • June 2020
    • Jun 29, 2020 Eros and Thanatos Jun 29, 2020
    • Jun 21, 2020 Infinitely Jun 21, 2020
    • Jun 14, 2020 Eat. Jun 14, 2020
    • Jun 7, 2020 Skins under the sun Jun 7, 2020
  • May 2020
    • May 31, 2020 Imminent threat of void - PTSD May 31, 2020
    • May 24, 2020 Rope language May 24, 2020
    • May 17, 2020 Polyamory May 17, 2020
    • May 10, 2020 Last night rewind May 10, 2020
    • May 3, 2020 A tool May 3, 2020
  • April 2020
    • Apr 26, 2020 My art quarantine story Apr 26, 2020
    • Apr 19, 2020 The four of us are dying Apr 19, 2020
    • Apr 12, 2020 I evolve until I am me again Apr 12, 2020
    • Apr 5, 2020 My self-portraits Apr 5, 2020
  • March 2020
    • Mar 15, 2020 I feel gravity Mar 15, 2020
    • Mar 8, 2020 Belonging Mar 8, 2020
    • Mar 1, 2020 Sex talk Mar 1, 2020
  • February 2020
    • Feb 23, 2020 In your car Feb 23, 2020
    • Feb 16, 2020 The waves that come Feb 16, 2020
    • Feb 3, 2020 My sexual orientation Feb 3, 2020
  • January 2020
    • Jan 27, 2020 Sex with you Jan 27, 2020
    • Jan 20, 2020 "Sorry! I thought..." - A model is not an object Jan 20, 2020
    • Jan 13, 2020 The weight of freedom Jan 13, 2020
    • Jan 6, 2020 I like you Jan 6, 2020
  • December 2019
    • Dec 30, 2019 Home Dec 30, 2019
    • Dec 23, 2019 Skin on fire Dec 23, 2019
    • Dec 16, 2019 Can you see me? - my film Dec 16, 2019
    • Dec 9, 2019 Levels of pleasure Dec 9, 2019
    • Dec 2, 2019 Victoria+Jean Dec 2, 2019
  • November 2019
    • Nov 25, 2019 The flatmate Nov 25, 2019
    • Nov 18, 2019 Where do I go? Nov 18, 2019
    • Nov 11, 2019 Is this love? Nov 11, 2019
    • Nov 4, 2019 Berlin P*rn Film Festival 2019 Nov 4, 2019
  • October 2019
    • Oct 28, 2019 The beautiful and the ugly Oct 28, 2019
    • Oct 21, 2019 Being an artist Oct 21, 2019
    • Oct 14, 2019 I am going strange Oct 14, 2019
    • Oct 7, 2019 You've got this - HPV story Oct 7, 2019
  • September 2019
    • Sep 30, 2019 You are pain Sep 30, 2019
    • Sep 23, 2019 She was hot. Sep 23, 2019
    • Sep 16, 2019 Freedom in the adult industry Sep 16, 2019
    • Sep 9, 2019 Non-monogamy Sep 9, 2019
    • Sep 2, 2019 Ecstasy Sep 2, 2019
  • August 2019
    • Aug 26, 2019 Feel the cracks Aug 26, 2019
    • Aug 19, 2019 The body you paid for Aug 19, 2019
    • Aug 12, 2019 You are water Aug 12, 2019
    • Aug 5, 2019 All I want Aug 5, 2019
  • July 2019
    • Jul 22, 2019 To the lake and back Jul 22, 2019
    • Jul 15, 2019 A day in my brain Jul 15, 2019
    • Jul 8, 2019 Listen to the dark room Jul 8, 2019
    • Jul 1, 2019 A sunny day Jul 1, 2019
  • June 2019
    • Jun 24, 2019 That was fun Jun 24, 2019
    • Jun 17, 2019 Writing and directing an adult film! Jun 17, 2019
    • Jun 10, 2019 Boundaries Jun 10, 2019
    • Jun 3, 2019 The smell of your leaves Jun 3, 2019
  • May 2019
    • May 27, 2019 All cried out May 27, 2019
    • May 20, 2019 Cheap coffee and a smile May 20, 2019

Newsletter

If you want to know when a new story is out, this is the way!

We respect your privacy.

Thank you!

© 2019 Nina Sever All Rights Reserved