Well hello,
You.
I’m in the future. The one we discussed in detail, from frustration to frustration, from your end to my end through Space, our drops of tears and sweat that designed a dotted end you were drawing all along.
It’s wider here, and brighter, I don’t feel trapped and my only limit is my own rib cage, as you always said, and I swear I listened. I listened and I turned my entire world upside down because I trusted you, because you matter, because I agree with you and because I want to be happy.
I want to be happy even if you are not here to see me rise. It’s been a wild ride, my love, but the best was yet to come. I know it because I feel it... My feelings are not backed up by science, yet. And that’s the whole point, you just didn’t have the tools to decipher my silences because there was no data. But oh I knew your silence too well and I have the bad habit to let people do what they want to do, to see what they would rather do.
I demolished myself over and over again. Your words really hurt but at least I was alive. Is it the dick in my brain? Is it the binder over my chest? I am finally and unapologetically me, and I am scared and lost but I am happy. I am not giving up on me. And of course it is not all about “that”, but “that” is a huge chunk of “me”. I’m that little subatomic particle of neutron dust, I feel myself expand and reverberate through the world, sometimes I can even feel you, less and less in the void of Space; I am the place you used to call home because we knew we were going to find each other when the Universe imploded. It does happen infinitely, it is happening now, we are just not there to see it... You are not there to see it. I haven’t gone anywhere. But I am not here either.
I spent weeks grieving, spitting disconnected words into my hands and saving them for when I’d be ready to write, because that’s what I do to talk to the world when the world is too much, when I am too much. I create my own universe of pain and pleasure, a space in which every little particle has a story to tell, and I listen, oh I listen; I listen with every inch of my naked, bleeding, dying human body. I melt into the ground and I feel the Earth vibrate, and I am not scared anymore, and I regret nothing.
“And it feels like we’re living in that split second of a car crash”.
Myself by Philipp Morozov