Something has been bothering me a lot more than expected, so I want to talk about it here, with you.
A couple of weeks ago I was at a house party, chatting with C and J about their monogamous relationship, listening to how much they liked each other and trying to understand their struggles as a couple. We all struggle time to time, and in my experience that comes from a lack of communication, or because for an instance we don’t speak the same language, or we don’t listen, we point our fingers and forget that maybe we want the same thing: to be (happy) together.
So far in my life I’ve mostly been in monogamous relationships and it didn’t go too well, not only because I am horny all the time and to keep up with my pace requires to quit your job and please me morning and evening with only a little coffee break so if you want to keep your job you “allow” me to fuck other human beings, but also because I like humans and can’t restrain myself to only one individual regardless of how much I like you.
I’m joking.
It didn’t go too well because we wanted different things, and when we maybe wanted the same thing we didn’t find the right way to communicate that. I’ve been in a couple of open relationships, and guess what, they didn’t go too well either. You know why? Because we didn’t communicate what we wanted and what our limits were, and I know in my last open relationship I was very clear, and I listened carefully, but apparently I was just his little fetish to play with and non-monogamy worked for him because he wasn’t that much into me. And that fucked me up, because I thought he did like me a lot, I thought I was more than good sex. I wasn’t, and that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I am not worth it overall.
I am non-monogamous, feels like my nature, but I live in a society and certain things affect me and they are somehow part of me, or I’d be living up in the mountains, only me and my wand, a paradise. No. I am not immune to jealousy, you’d be surprised. I am often very jealous but I learned how to deal with it and only now I am learning how to communicate my fears; because that’s what it is, fear and insecurity. I like you. I love you. I don’t want to lose this, right? Then there is a whole spectrum of abuse and control but I am not talking about extreme cases, I am speaking of the so called healthy bit of jealousy.
Some of you have been following me for a while now, and you know I mentioned Arianna like thousands of times, because our break up fucked me up big time and I never had a closure, she couldn’t choose between me and another person she fell in love with, and it’s not like I can prevent people from falling for someone else, but maybe if we had our boundaries clear things would have been ok and if we would have still broken up it would have happened for the right reasons. We fucked other guys and then would talk about it, it was fun, genuine, free, but there was this unspoken rule not to fuck other women, that was a limit for me and I never told her and things went well only because she didn’t have a chance to sleep with a girl. Why did I not communicate that? I thought it was just my own insecurity to deal with, but that’s not how a healthy couple functions.
Finally she went on a date and fell for the guy, told him about me right away and he was alright in the beginning but then told her he couldn’t be in a relationship like that. And I spent three years being mad at him for forcing her to choose. Now I just understand him and respect him for being honest with her.
Boundaries.
And she couldn’t even choose for herself, I had to make that decision and tell her to just follow her heart, he was in her same city after all, I wasn’t, she needed that. I wonder if that “need” ever ended, and if it did, what was left? But it’s just my broken heart speaking.
Fuck, I still remember her sending me some screenshots from their chats, I felt so angry, I could see that mental connection, I could feel I was losing her. And she did nothing wrong, we just didn’t have any rules, emotional anarchy is something I can’t deal with, and I don’t know how people can do that, and if they succeed I want them to know I have a deep admiration for them! I mean it.
I am non-monogamous, but I am not polyamorous. I can commit my feelings to only one person at a time, and I am grateful to myself for taking the time to think about it, for understanding myself and finding the courage to communicate that to the person I am in love with now. I actually think he was the first one to tell me he has a limit and he wouldn’t feel good about me creating a deep emotional connection with someone who wasn’t him. My whole body was on fire as we were talking about it, I was so scared, I liked him so much but I knew I couldn’t lie to myself again, I couldn’t say yes to something that wasn’t ideal to me, I was tired of people telling me I had my standards too high and wanting too much. But there we were, discussing boundaries because apparently we really wanted to be together, and his words were like water pouring over my burning worries. We were creating our own rules so that we could still be ourselves and free but we would not do something stupid to lose this one time opportunity to be with someone so special. It’s nice to have sex with others, and it doesn’t take anything away from the relationship, it enriches us as individuals and brings something new into the relationship itself. It can only work if we are good together, with and for each other, and if we want the same things.
We have a little set of rules that can expand or diminish depending on how we feel, because we evolve, it would be stupid to cling to something that doesn’t work anymore only because we said so, or to confine ourselves and each other when we feel confident to reach out for more. I feel so safe and secure with him, I am not afraid, and if and when I am scared I know I can tell him and he’s not going to be bothered, and he will listen and we will solve this, find a way to be happy together and as individuals, because it’s a choice. It’s love. But it’s also a choice.
To come back to C and J, I respect their relationship so much, and to me it doesn’t matter if they are monogamous or not, it’s none of my fucking (literally) business, but I am happy to talk and compare opinions, exchange advice. I told them I was in an open relationship and they were so happy to hear I found someone who wanted my same things and that we found our way to communicate. They were curious to hear about those boundaries, and I told them that monogamy can mean many things too and sometimes defining that a bit more could help to avoid pain.
And here comes the sticky part. I turn to my left and there is M and he seems very sad, so we talk about it and someone who seemed to me so confident and overall clever and respectful, turns to shit. I don’t think alcohol changes people, not always, most of the times it just brings up the worst. I won’t go into detail about what he told me because that’s his life, and even if he didn’t ask me to keep it to myself, I choose to only talk about the part that concerns me. We ended up talking about my relationship and specifically about one rule me and my partner have, which concerns the one night stands, the only thing we feel like experiencing separately at the moment. I tell M that if I feel like I’m going to fuck someone that night, I will text my partner and ask if he’s ok with that, and I know I can fuck someone else but I still want to check with him because he is my priority and my relationship with him is the most important thing, no matter how good the potential fuck looks like, it’s not worth it. M asks me what would happen if my partner told me he wasn’t ok with that, I say that whatever the reason, I pull over from whatever I am up to or about to do. M doesn’t understand, he asks me if I would still pull over if I was very vey horny and was very much into the person in front of me. I say that I don’t give a fuck (literally, again), because what’s the point in hurting my partner? M thinks that that way my partner could control me all the time, I say that the whole point of an open relationship is to avoid that abusive and manipulative crap, it’s based on trust, like any relationship should be. And M says that I could just choose not to tell Him, and I again ask him what’s the point of a relationship, then? He doesn’t understand what’s the difference between what I have, and a monogamous relationship. I think there is no difference and everything should be based on trust and respect, and fucking others is not my priority, it’s just that one more fun and beautiful thing I can do without taking anything away from my relationship. M doesn’t understand, he says that what makes sex exciting is the taboo. I don’t understand. He mentions Freud and I know Freud’s fucked up theories back in the 800’s, but guess what it’s the end of 2019 and pleasure doesn’t have to be hidden and sex can still be deep, meaningful, light and fun, open and free, but also still be mysterious and surprising, without hurting anyone. As a matter of fact, any time I sleep with someone else I don’t hide anything, they know I am in a relationship, I communicate the boundaries I have with my partner that concern them and I leave them the choice, and if for whatever reason they don’t want to sleep with me, I accept, respect, and move on. But when they say yes, and no one said no so far, I feel good, I know everyone feels good, especially my partner even if He’s not there to make sure I respect our boundaries, and I do, because if I didn’t I would rather stay single, I am not the kind of person that uses someone for emotional security.
M doesn’t understand and I am getting upset because my dopamine levels are a bit too high that night, so I just leave. I can’t fix everyone and if he thinks it’s exciting to lie to your partner for a five minutes fuck, it’s his choice and I just hope that whoever is going to be in a relationship with him will want the same thing. And I’m not going to judge or say he is wrong, I also don’t think it’s working really well for him, but that’s just my opinion based on the little I could hear that night; since the moment my relationship was judged and an effort to understand my point of view wasn’t made, I get a bit defensive, or better, I am very annoyed and I wanted to talk about this with my friends but couldn’t find the right way to communicate what really bothered me. So I’ve talked about it with my partner and he put it down very well, it’s very simple, we are not animals. We have that animal part that is fun to let loose to play time to time, but we are humans, and we evolved and we can choose.
And honestly, based on what I feel and what He says, the boundaries we have come effortless, and the care we take of each other and of our relationship is natural, if the rules have to become tighter for whatever reason, I wouldn’t feel restrained, I would just make sure we talk it through and see what to do to be HAPPY together.
There really is no difference between monogamy and non-monogamy, just choose what works for you and communicate that to your partner(s). Be true, respectful, honest, caring; whether it’s a one night stand or the love of your life, remember we are all humans.
The couple in my photos in this post are Dorota and Kriz, they are super cool and I like them a lot. They worked on my film for XConfessions as still photographer and assistant, and we decided to shoot this series a couple of days before the filming. They were super sweet, and I hope they felt safe with me, at all times! I enjoyed capturing some of the moments, and you want to know something? We discussed our boundaries beforehand, even if it was just a photo shoot and I was not involved in any way physically. There you go. Bye.